Artificial grass is not as low maintenance as you might expect – Susan Morrison

The Leith Links crocuses are in full swing. Spring is definitely on the way, despite a surprise snowstorm. To be fair, it was at Harthill, which has its own weather system.

It’s about this time of year that I make the mistake of thinking I know something about gardening. It’s Monty Don’s fault. He pops up on the telly in his scarf, nifty knitwear and with that reassuring voice, burbling about cuttings and seedlings. The next thing you know, you start to think, hold up, I could do this.

All I need is a greenhouse, heated, obvs, a couple of dozen seedling trays, some packets of seeds, wellies, those nifty gardening gloves, a trowel, shovels, a giant gardening fork, a kneeling pad, one small earthmover, multiple pairs of secateurs, raised beds, compost and a ton of manure. Sorted.

In reality, I’d be better off with a flamethrower.

Still, the back garden will require attention. Winter has left the grass looking a bit peaky. I blame the squirrels. These are Leith squirrels, so forget your cutesy Disney nonsense. These ones are fond of regular square goes, especially when the mating calls start, know what I mean? They may look cute, but when two of these randy little demons face off against each other it can get messy, particularly on the grass.

Have you ever heard Monty suggest a solution for rampant sexy squirrel dance-fighting damage on the lawn? No, you have not. I imagine our bright-eyed and bushy-tailed friends behave better around him.

In a moment of madness, I wondered if the way ahead might just be artificial grass. Slap it down, leave it alone – and then just watch the furry pests get confused. Seemed like an idea.

A quick Google search quickly kicked that one into touch. I had no idea that looking after the fake stuff was so complicated. You have to shampoo it. Brush it. Power wash it. Pick poo out of it. Animal, I assume. Mind you, this is Leith.

And finally, squirrels have been known to chew through it. We’ll stick to the natural stuff.