Aw shucks, you like me, you really like me - Susan Morrison

Well, I thought, would I? Me? Speak? In public? There are bears currently pooing in the woods bellowing ‘keep her away from the microphone.’

It's like getting an Oscar, only way better. Actually I don’t really approve of giving actors awards. It’s very unfair. It’s utterly bonkers to judge one actor against another in a completely different film.

Look at 2018. Gary Oldman got nominated for doing his turn as Churchill. He was up against Daniel Day-Lewis in something moody about a man who made dresses. Gary naturally swept the board.

I suspect it was because it was about someone the Americans had actually heard about. Our dear Transatlantic cousins don’t know this, but all British actors have to puff Winston’s cigar at some stage in their careers. Personally, I can’t wait for Alan Cummings' musical version.

If they made it more of a sporting event, I might be able to get behind it. Have all the nominees for ‘Best Actor’ all line up on stage and do a big Shakespearean soliloquy, hammer out a compelling moment of dramatic emotion and then finish up with a song-and-dance number. Now that’s a level playing field, if you ask me.

For people who speak in public for a living, performers are terrible at accepting gongs and statues. Oscar winners get ‘aw shucks’, over-emotional and weepy when their name is announced, thanking mums, God and agents.

The losers aren’t much better. Few actors really succeed with the brave ‘well, I never really wanted to win it’ face. We all know inwardly they’re a seething mass of rage, but politeness is the order of the day and we can’t have a slug fest at the Oscars. Well, not another one at any rate.

So I shall thank graciously, specifically mentioning my mother, who will be there. I haven’t got an agent. And I shall thank Napier, even though I really don’t deserve such incredible recognition from such a prestigious university.

I was just having fun. But thank you.