Beware of those so-called widowers courting you on Facebook - Susan Morrison

Pernell Roberts, Michael Landon, Dan Blocker and Lorne Greene in Bonanza

They’re a very interesting bunch. They’re always American, and nearly all doctors. An astonishing number of them are in the armed forces. Richard was in the Air Force, and Oliver was in the Army Medical Corps. Very fetching he looked, too, in his uniform. Jethro retired from the military but now works for a children's charity in Florida.

They all have very nice photos of them, staring off into the distance with a noble expression. Chase Kelvin was actually cuddling a puppy while standing on a yacht, which was apt. US Navy. Orthopaedic surgeon, apparently.

They say they want to be my friend, but I suspect that Richard, Chase and Jethro may be looking for more than companionship. Tragically, they are all seeking that special someone, because they are all widowers.

The mortality rate among the wives of American military medical men is quite simply staggering. Death rates like this look deeply suspicious to me. Is it possible that the American military medical corps is ‘removing’ these wives? And what’s with the worldwide trawl for the next Mrs Blisavist? Is this some new American policy to spread influence by marrying on a global scale?

They’ve got form on this, the Yanks. Ben Cartwright, remember him? Ponderosa Ranch. Bonanza. Had three sons, but one of them disappeared after the first series and no-one mentioned him again. Left him with Hos and Little Joe. Ben had three different wives buried out in the backyard. An Englishwoman, a Swede and French Creole lady. I looked it up. We never saw them, of course, on account of Ben bumping them off. Yes, there, I said it. Global domination through serial matrimony, that’s the plan.

Of course, I know exactly who and what Jethro, Chase and the rest of the boyband really are. The nearest any of them get to a medical situation is a packet of paracetamol. Scammers to a man. Delete the request as soon as it comes in.