Boris Johnson throws in the towel? Shame, I wanted to see him try to cling on like Donald Trump – Susan Morrison

Personally, I’m disappointed Boris has finally thrown in the towel and is leaving under his own steam.

Boris Johnson has said he will stand down as Prime Minister (Picture: Peter Byrne/WPA pool/Getty Images)
Boris Johnson has said he will stand down as Prime Minister (Picture: Peter Byrne/WPA pool/Getty Images)

At one point, it looked like we’d have to get the SAS to do a re-run of the Iranian Embassy storming, complete with Kate Adie doing a breathless commentary.

Mind you, storming buildings is a messy business and I bet they don’t want that expensive wallpaper damaged. Carrie’s probably steaming it off right now.

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Speaking of which, the current Mrs Johnson seems to be absent at present. I was worried in case she suddenly popped up to announce she was expecting another Boris baby.

Always a good one for the distraction, was our Boris, like a sort of seedy children's party magician doing a bit of clumsy misdirection before he pulls the rabbit out of the hat.

Don’t look at the sex scandal in the offing, the report about the boozy lockdown parties or the by-election thumping on the horizon, boys and girls, look over here, there’s a war going on.

Must admit, I did half expect Boris to pop up again in Kyiv. I wondered if Mr Zelensky passed a weary word along to get the spare room ready, just in case Boris bounced back into town babbling, “look, mate, I know it's your crisis, but could you do me a favour? Can we get a quick photo making me look like a real statesman? Oh, and can I crash at your place for a bit?"

Dunno about you, but I was starting to lose track of which minister was resigning, getting fired or suddenly finding themselves Secretary of State for Bins and Paperclips.

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Boris Johnson to resign as Prime Minister and Conservative Party leader

The ministerial musical chairs meant we had a Chancellor, he resigned, we got a new Chancellor and then he called for Boris to resign. The lady who got the education job after the last one resigned promptly decided she had better things to do and hoofed it. Must be a full-time job right now just keeping up with the “sorry you're leaving” cards.

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Even before this, I was losing track of the scandals. I’d actually forgotten some of them. They mentioned Owen Paterson on the news. Remember him? No, me neither until I looked him up and said: “Ah, him. The one who took a shedload of money, got suspended for six weeks, so Boris tried to change the rules, everyone went mental and it was all a bit complicated, but we knew summat shifty was afoot.”

Mr Paterson’s scandal was bulldozered out the way by Partygate, a bloke watching porn in the Commons, and the news that Boris tried to get his then-girlfriend-now-wife a cushy little job pulling in £100k a year. He’s got a track record on that. He shovelled a similar amount to a then-girlfriend-now-spurned-ex-girlfriend when he was Mayor of London. Never say our boy is mean. Not with taxpayers money, at any rate.

The only startling thing in this whole mess is that he was finally derailed by a sex scandal that didn’t actually involve him.

Boris was always a bit of a mini-Trump, so I guess it's not surprising that both he and the big orange lad had to be virtually dragged out of their offices screaming and kicking like toddlers denied another bowl of jelly.

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Watch it laddie, don’t mark the wallpaper.