Crying wolf would at least solve North Coast 500 litter problem

If there were signs on roads reminding people wolves patrol the area, maybe they would be more likely to take their rubbish home, says Vladmir McTavish (Picture: Olivier Morin/Getty Images)

I’m in Australia as I write this. It’s my tenth trip Down Under playing at their Fringe festivals. The first time I came here, I shared an apartment with another Scottish comedian, who was paranoid about our flat being overrun by giant insects. We never saw any.

Australians like to have fun with first-time visitors to their country. They will wax lyrical about man-eating sharks, poisonous jellyfish, venomous snakes, killer spiders and the dangerous drop bears. This last one is a hoax, made up to scare tourists. Drop bears are mythical mutant carnivorous koalas who fall out trees to attack their prey. Lots of Brits get taken in by this nonsense.

Here in Perth, the worst I’ve ever seen was a four-inch long cockroach on my balcony. The host of my Airbnb said they were much less harmful than the small cockroaches we get in Europe. But, given that I saw it on her property, she would say that – wouldn’t she?

So it’s entertaining to read news from back home about wild animals on the rampage in Scotland. The latest episode involved the eight feral pigs roaming wild near Kingussie. Whether they were released, escaped or illegally abandoned, it seems to have caused quite a stramash before the pigs were rounded up and “humanely culled”. Before I left home, the big story was about the four lynx that were running wild in a nearby part of the Highlands. They were luckier. One died after capture, while the others have spent the last three weeks at Edinburgh Zoo. Whether these two incidents are connected or coincidence, nobody knows. Is it the work of a deranged animal lover or someone who just enjoys a bit of chaos?

There have been calls over the years for planned rewilding of various species. Over the last two decades, there have been a number of proposals to reintroduce wolves into Scotland. A while back, some landowner in the Highlands was thinking about having wild bears on his estate. I think these are great ideas. Quite simply, I don’t think there is enough dangerous wildlife in Scotland. Introducing an element of jeopardy into our countryside could solve a number of problems.

For example, residents who live along the route of the North Coast 500 are constantly complaining about the mess left by camper van owners littering the roadside. If there were signs every five miles reminding them that the area was policed by wolves, I reckon they’d be more likely to take their rubbish home. The threat of being attacked by bears for littering would be just as effective as imposing a 5 per cent tourist tax.

Of course, we could just do what the Aussies do, and make up dangerous predators to put the fear of God into visitors. After all, Scotland’s national animal is itself a totally mythical creature. I have witnessed some suicidally crazy driving from tourists on the non-duelled sections of the A9. They might take a bit more care if there were signs saying “Caution. Unicorns on Road”.

Anyway, experts have come up with a term for these recent incidents. They’re calling it “guerrilla rewilding”. Not “gorilla” re-wilding. Now, that would be bananas. Who wouldn’t go ape-sh**t if that happened?