Cute and cuddly penguins caught in the crossfire of a Trump tantrum

Antarctic penguins are some of the smartest creatures in the southern oceans. Just what are they up to? asks Susan Morrison (Picture: Juan Barreto/AFP via Getty Images)

A fearsome 29 per cent tariff has been slapped on the exports of a pair of islands so small even Google Maps took a second or two to figure out where they were, and then came back with a disappointing image of a white blob. It takes two weeks to get there from Australia, and two weeks to get back, assuming the ferries aren’t run by CalMac. No one lives there, but do not mistake the quiet solitude of these remote islands for passivity. The United States President has picked the wrong enemy here. Penguins.

Oh yes, they look sweet, cuddly little fellas doing their Charlie Chaplin walk, but these are the smartest guys in the Antarctic. There’s a reason why they dress like Bond at the Casino. Cunning and conniving, yer little black and white chappie. And these are the lads who won’t take the declaration of trade war lying down. Unless they are sliding into the sea, of course, which does look incredibly cute.

I am a huge admirer of the penguin. In fact, I would go so far as to say the penguin is my spirit animal, particularly if that spirit has been gin. One too many and I literally turn into a penguin. A Rockhopper, as it happens. What is not to love about a penguin wearing a See-You-Jimmy wig? Look at those big swoopy show-off feathers going in all directions. If that penguin isn’t a Glaswegian on a night out I don’t know what is. As my inner Rockhopper emerges, I find I sway gently. Fortunately I am roughly the same shape as a penguin, so I do not fall down.

My brain, aware that I have ceased to communicate effectively in human speech, switches to penguin mode, and I make those sort of “ahhh” and “ooo” noises you hear from the massed ranks of penguins on wildlife documentaries. This, my fuddled mind believes, makes it sound like I am taking part non-verbally in an agreeable manner. Given that I once used to regularly wear a dinner suit, the similarity between me and a Rockhopper was uncanny. Had someone randomly chucked a haddock in the air, I was the girl to go for it.

Edinburgh should feel solidarity with these new targets of a Trump tantrum. They are our comrades. Who among us has not enjoyed the Wee Waddle at the Zoo, and who amongst our children hasn’t tried to steal one to take home? My son was 18 months old when he came face-to-face with a King Penguin on royal walkabout. Kings are the second largest species. In fact, I’d say they are roughly the same height as an 18 month-old boy, who had never been face-to-face with a penguin before. The King took it very well. I had to change a nappy. Character building, I call it.

Do your worst, Mr Trump, to the penguins of Heard Island and McDonald Islands, but I shall be proud to stand, march and waddle with the little guys. Just one thing. What on earth were the penguins of Heard Island and McDonald Islands actually exporting to the US? You see? They are up to something.