Do pilots undergo an accent transplant to reassure us on aeroplanes? – Susan Morrison

Whilst we on the ground stood and watched Mother Nature’s temper tantrum in awe, wonder and a fair amount of shouting ‘Jings! Did you see that?’ spare a thought for Edinburgh Airport’s air traffic controllers, and the pilots and the passengers of the jets scheduled to land that night.

Would you trust a pilot with an accent like Scarlett O'Hara?

Being just a tad geeky about such matters, I became obsessed with tracking the flights from Oporto, Pisa and Budapest who found themselves stacked in circles above South Lanarkshire.

Crikey, what an end to the holidays. Not only are you worried about being quarantined as soon as you land, now you’ve got to wander the skies above Biggar Gasworks Museum like some sort of 21st century Flying Dutchman.

Presumably the pilots will have kept the passengers updated on progress, in that soothing, calm ‘Airline Captain’ voice they all have. You know, that tone that marks out the smooth chap at the dinner party passing round the After Eights. Think Roger Moore without the eyebrow action.

It’s long baffled me. There must be Geordie airline captains, or Aberdonian ones. Obviously, the problem there is deeper than just accent. I have heard the people of Newcastle speak, drunk and sober. It’s exactly the same and equally unfathomable. I asked for directions once in Aberdeen. Not doing that again.

Do they get elocution lessons with the epaulettes? Even American pilots go for that posh tone. Seems to be mainly blokes, incidentally. When we flew from LA to New York, our female pilot had an accent like Scarlett O’Hara. She assured us that we’d have a great flight, ‘so y’all just relax back and kick them hot sticky shoes off. Just don’t stink ma cabin up’. I liked that. Can fly a plane and has a maternal concern for her passengers.

Had a cheery Irish woman once who suggested we should all just sit back and have a wee drink. She seemed to include herself in that invitation. I recall the landing as quite thrilling.

Surgeons, now, there’s another lot who seem to undergo an accent transplant. Received pronunciation all over the shop. Mind you, if someone is advancing towards you with a very sharp blade in their hands, perhaps an accent dripping Glaswegian menace would be a tad unsettling.