Dreams of Succession-style riches filled my mind after discovery of lost shares – Susan Morrison
and live on Freeview channel 276
It was from British Telecom. It said I had some shares in BT and they were trying to find me. Obviously, I had forgotten all about it.
Well. I was startled. Not because I had them, every employee did. It was Thatcher’s deluded notion of making us owners and shareholders. We didn’t. Become owners, that is.
We sold them and went on holiday instead. Back in the 90s, business was booming. Shares were worth a pretty penny. I thought I’d flogged the lot. Jings, I still have some shares, eh? This makes me a corporate mover and shaker.
Well. I’ve been watching Succession. I know what to do here. I’ll need a private jet, a pair of Aviator sun specs, and a team of sharp-suited advisors.
Everybody has to swear. All the time. Not a problem for me, I’m a Scot, and as the mighty Brian Cox showed the world, no nation on this planet can touch us when it comes to full-on, four-letter fury. I might have to wear braces. And brood on a yacht.
Then I'll leverage my shares to launch a speculative high-bond hostile takeover of my erstwhile employers – starting with a savage hard-ball offer on the per unit price. You just watch that board scramble to bolster the share value before the markets open. Bet they turn to a risky, off-book, high-interest investment from shady billionaires. No idea what that means, but they’re always shouting things like that on Succession.
So, get started. Hit the phone and bellow commands. Actually, I didn’t. I was very polite, as was the charming young woman who said yes, that was correct, there were some shares and even some outstanding dividends. Mentally, I upgrade to a bigger yacht.
She offered to sort out the address and dividend situation. She was very efficient. It's about a dozen shares. They’re worth about £1.09 each. Might still sell. Could use some nice bedding plants for the front garden.