Edinburgh Council elections: Abolish council tax, sell the castle, eternal tram works. My manifesto puts other parties to shame – Susan Morrison

Hello! My name is Susan Morrison and I want your vote to get on the council.

Surely Elon Musk will jump at the chance to purchase this des res in the heart of the city (Picture: Getty Images)

What’s that? No, I’ve never stood for election before, but that didn’t stop Donald Trump and look how well that panned out for him. And America.

My policies are pretty straightforward. Let's abolish council tax and make money for the city by selling Edinburgh Castle. I bet Elon Musk would buy it.

Tourism congestion. We’ll build an exact replica of Edinburgh city centre on the site of the old Cockenzie power station. We can charge people just to get in. And get out. Like Hogmanay all year round. Heck, we’ll improve on the original. We’ll bung a rollercoaster through the castle, down the Grassmarket and back up the High Street.

All dogs must wear nappies. Unfair, I hear you say. Most dog owners clean up after their pooches. They do. But we have the on-going mystery of the phantom puppy pooper. You never actually see the dog who dumps the doggy-do, do you? So, sorry, Fido, nappies it is.

Spikes. Retractable spikes will be fitted under the pavement. They’ll be triggered if a bicycle goes over it. Yes, messy, I agree, but we could use those kidneys and livers. The number of two-wheeled menaces we have on our pavements down here in Leith should just about wipe out the transplant waiting list in a week.

Trams. We must continue with the tram works forever. In the event of Vlad the Mad Lad going full-on bug-eyed world dominator and deciding to invade Scotland, any attempt by invasion forces to seize the capital by landing in Leith and making their way to Holyrood will be stymied by the road works.

Do I believe any of this? Nope, but at least you know I’m making it up. Increasingly we’re living in a world where politicians say one thing, do another, or do nothing at all. So I figure you can safely vote for me, knowing I will do none of these things.

Hold up. That replica Edinburgh idea with the roller coaster… might be something in that…