Fancy a holiday home in the Caribbean? A total bargain at only £41 million - Susan Morrison

Now, do you fancy a holiday home in the Caribbean? Michelle Mone is flogging hers off for under the original asking price. It’s a total bargain. It’s going for only £41 million. I figure we could all put in some cash, like a timeshare sort of thing. It’s got eight bedrooms. I’m sure someone wouldn’t mind sleeping in the living room.

Baroness Michelle Mone

She’s flogging off her yacht as well, but I think we’d get more use out of the house. It’s not like we could repurpose the “Lady M” as a stand-in ferry on the CalMac routes. It all has to go, the yacht, the house and their private plane. Hang on, we could use that on the Edinburgh/Barra route. It has been reported widely in the press that the National Crime Agency has frozen all their bank accounts, even though husband Doug Barrowman’s company owns the assets in question, and presumably they need the readies.

It’s always good to have a little cash about the house. It’s a nightmare if you’ve ordered takeaway and there’s not a single pound coin or two (in my case, three or four) to be had for a tip. There has rarely been a more apt title than Baroness Mone. The woman just will not shush.

The government and press, she wails, are poring over every tiny detail of her life. Yes, of course they are. The government wants to know what it got for that £200 million they gave to her and her husband’s company, and since it was taxpayers’ money, you bet I want to see what my cash bought. Such a terrible invasion of privacy, she wails through those perfect, expensive teeth. Yes, it must be.

It’s bound to be a bit of a setback to lose the designer luxury lifestyle, but there’s bound to be enough left over for a wee two-bedroom flat somewhere. You’ll be fine. Oh, and we’d like that title back as well.​