Fiona Duff: There’s no place like home – tell crazy Donald

US President-elect Donald Trump at Tuesday's controversial press conference (Picture: Scott Olson/Getty Images)

Does he really want to take over Greenland – I doubt he has ever been there but I am pretty sure it ain’t that green and there is a heck of a lot of land. It isn’t like a little Hebriddean island which Conde Nast Traveller is promoting.

Luckily for the dwellers of that spot it is unlikely that Trump reads anything that he hasn’t written himself so won’t be making a play for Islay. Having watched Borgen that is where all my knowledge of Greenland comes from and frankly I am not sure that the Danes wouldn’t be quite happy to give it away.

It really does not seem to be the happiest place in the world, much more likely to somewhere near the bottom of that list. And as we are sitting around wearing thermal underwear and muttering about how much our heating bill is going to be following this cold spell can you imagine spending your life somewhere that only gets to about 10 degrees in the summer?

I am not sure I would ever leave my home apart from to go to debtors court, as the central heating would be full blast 24/7. So as you can imagine, if I had to choose an island to take over I might look a bit further south. The Indian Ocean has some rather lovely ones with great beaches and plenty of sunshine.

A friend of mine has recently discovered Tenerife and yes I do realise that he is about 60 years behind many of us Brits.

But he goes there whenever he can, sits on the balcony overlooking the sea with his laptop on his knees. Being a Scot he loves that everything is so cheap.

Another friend with a bit of dosh has just bought a villa in Mallorca where I have been many moons ago and thoroughly recommend it as a destination. Obviously the angry locals may not make you feel too welcome. But in the end I am a bit of a bore – the idea of upping sticks and moving anywhere fills me with dread.

It’s just a shame that Trump doesn’t feel the same about Florida.