Happy to be all at sea with Michael Caine and Sylvester Stallone

It has always been a little ambition of mine to be on a ship at sea, at night. I mean I have, sort of, if you include being on the Dunoon-Gourock ferry at 4.30 on a December afternoon, but it's not what I mean.

And my dream came true this week on a cruise ship, as I watched the sun slowly setting and the lighthouses of Scotland flashed into life.

Mind you, I hadn’t factored in Michael Caine and Sly Stallone in the background. They show films on a huge outdoor screen. Could be wrong, but I think the plot involves a football game.

There are people who actually live on cruise ships. And I can see why. Once you find your way about, it’s got everything you could ever want.

There’s food everywhere, from all over the world. Do you want Chinese-Indo-Mexican barbeque fusion chicken with a side order of Geordie salad? Not a problem.

Fancy a stroll, a manicure, a touch of luxury shopping? It’s all on hand. Living on board banishes boredom. You can learn to salsa, knit or just sit back while two charming and astonishingly talented young women play on the harp and piano.

An army of the most wonderful, friendly people look after you. They seem to hail from all airts and pairts of the world, and great customer service appears to be their super power.

Oh yes, I am only too aware of the circumstances at home that send these lovely young people into careers at sea. Everyone needs to earn a buck or two.

It does make me wonder if we could offer them jobs looking after us on land. After all, there’s enough folk back home that could do with a smiling helper at hand.

It’s given me an idea. Surely there are enough of us nutty old Scots? Let's all get together and buy ourselves a floating paradise. We could wander at will from Clydeside to Lerwick, float about the Hebrides and explore the coast of Fife.

In the winter, we’d hit the Caribbean, or duck down to the Med. I could get onboard with that idea.