​Here’s how to return a CBE when your gong goes wrong - Susan Morrison

How exactly do you return a CBE? I’m assuming you do actually have to physically send the thing back.

Former Post Office boss Paula Vennells who is to hand back her CBE following the fallout of the Horizon IT scandal which led to the wrongful prosecution of hundreds of subpostmasters

​I imagine you can’t email the palace just saying, “Listen, sorry, guys, thanks for the honour, but I think I might have to drop it, what with this scandal and all. Can I keep the gong?

“It's pretty handy to rest spoons on while I’m whipping up the sauce on Spag Bol Tuesday.”

Just how do these folks get on those nomination lists for honours, so carefully compiled by those infamous, faceless mandarins of Whitehall, then proffered to the king for his consideration?

He can say no, but I find it hard to believe that he scrutinises the lists carefully, watching out for the name of a then-minor civil servant official who was too curt in his answer to a royal question back in 1984.

It’s most unlikely that I’ll ever have to worry about handing back my medal.

It’s partly an ideals thing, although I have to admit, I do like that title ‘Commander of the British Empire’. There’s a certain stylish cache about being a commander.

James Bond was a Commander. Yes, Commander Morrison has a nice ring to it.

No, it's the ‘British Empire’ bit. For one thing, the Empire wasn’t that great an idea for quite a lot of the people who lived under it and fought quite hard to get out of it and for another, it's just not there.

The Empire never really managed to strike back, fortunately. It’s just a bit silly to hand out honours for a thing that doesn’t exist. We might as well hand out “Knight Commander of Narnia."

The other reason for refusing an honour is the hat. You have to go down to the palace looking like you’re going to a particularly posh wedding, and I just can’t wear hats.

I used to think it was something to do with being short. Big chiffon cartwheel numbers make me look like a sort of moving mushroom.

I’ve since discovered it's not my height, it's my face. I tried on a fascinator once and I looked like a short, angry Viking who had raided a hat shop.

Now, should you really, really want a CBE, there is a company that can help. They have a website that offers to ‘improve your chances’ of being nominated, purely, they assure us, to polish up the image of your company or organisation.

God forbid you just want one for yourself. Very helpfully, they have a Q&A section.

“Does having a criminal record affect my chances of getting an honour?” Not at all, says Awards Intelligence.

“If there is no issue outstanding, a criminal record will not prevent a nomination from being considered. There are many examples of individuals who have turned their lives around and gone on to use their experience to help others and been rewarded with an honour as a result.”

Well, that’s good to know. Should Ms Paula Vennells, the ex-CEO of the Post Office, find herself banged up for her collusion in hounding innocent people who had the misfortune to work for her, perhaps in future she can work her way back to getting a gong.

Presumably she can just pop the current one in the nearest post box, addressed to the palace.