'Hot Fat in Livvy: Chip Shop Rammy': Real-life drama coming to a cinema near you (if you get an invitation, unlike me) – Susan Morrison

The wheels of justice seem to be grinding on a bit quicker these days. All my friends are receiving summons to do jury duty.

Thursday, 18th March 2021, 4:45 pm
What no popcorn? A mock trial is shown on a screen as people sit in marked seats where a jury would sit in screen number three at the Odeon complex in Edinburgh (Picture: Andrew Milligan/PA)

Notably, not me. There’s probably a list somewhere with my name beside a note saying “not this one. Remember last time”.

My pal Marie is more your sort for a jury anyway. She's very sensible, so even though she has seen Twelve Angry Men, she’s unlikely to channel Henry Fonda and see herself as a champion of the underdog, which is what I would do, which would probably lead to someone getting ten years in the BarL for a parking offence.

She received her letter the other day. She’s going to the pictures. Social distancing means our juries are assembling in cinemas, like the judging panel for the Palme d'Or at Cannes. I imagine far less attractive people on screen.

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Will there be trailers for upcoming trials you might like to see, I wonder? Is there someone, even now, doing a voice-over for “Hot Fat in Livvy: Chip Shop Rammy” or “Howling at the Moon: A Man at the Crossroads (of Great Junction Street and Leith Walk, in his pants, until battled to the ground by Police Scotland, having been chucked out of Tesco for chugging an entire bottle of MD: 2020)”?

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Worryingly, she says there is no mention of popcorn. That can’t be right. It's been a while since I read the Cinematograph Act 1952, but I'm almost certain there is a section covering Snacks and Beverages (Permitted). Mind you, bet it’s not been updated, so it probably spaffs on about Butterkist and Kia Ora.

Are you allowed to whisper to your neighbour “What else have I seen her in? Bet she did it”?

What if you dozed off? Then woke up in the dark, in a cinema, watching a film with what looked like a seriously rough looking George Clooney with a weirdly bang-on Bathgate accent. How baffling would that be?

Worse, imagine getting to the end of it and realising it’s one of those trick endings and there’s bound to be a sequel.

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