I may have to Curb my Enthusiasm for balling people out. Just call me Larry David – Hayley Matthews
I'm having a full on Larry David moment this week. If you don't know who Larry David is, let me explain.
He's an awkward old man who seems to be a magnet for the most embarrassing, toe-curling and awkward situations that you can possibly imagine.
In real life, he's the co-creator of Seinfeld and after huge success with Seinfeld, he went on to gain a lot of recognition for his popular TV series Curb Your Enthusiasm, which he created and stars in as a semi-fictionalised version of himself.
I far prefer Curb Your Enthusiasm compared to Seinfeld and I think that's because I see a lot of myself in Larry David relating a lot to the socially awkward situations that he seems to get himself in.
Upsetting and unintentionally offending people is his speciality (again, another trait I can heavily relate to).
To sum up the series, the dark comedy centres around Larry's ignorance of or disregard for well-established social conventions and expectations.
That as well as his complete and utter insistence that others around him adhere to rules, most of which only he seems to be aware of.
So when I tell you the story of an incident that took place a few weeks back that came back to bite me on the bum, don't picture me as a 40-year-old mum-of-two with a sprinkling of glam. No, picture me as a 70-something-year-old, grumpy Jewish-American balding man waving his finger at everyone – because that's what I identify as now and I'd also like everyone to start using the pronoun "grumpy old man" when referring to me.
So it started a few weeks back when I was waving bye to my dad as he started to cross the road. The green man was on, yet whizzing towards him was a car. Screeching through the red light, the car pulled up outside my front door as my dad turned in shock shouting "he nearly knocked me over!"
Then... the red mist kicked in. I went into full nuts mode, shouting at the guy that he went right through a red light, nearly knocked my dad over, parked on zigzags and some other things I can't remember due to complete and utter rage.
I screamed how a lot of people have been killed on the road, how there are a lot of kids crossing there etc. I mean, I was going for it big time!
He started to take boxes out his boot, looking like a little boy being told off and apologised in his shock. He said sorry again as his girlfriend looked on and having made my point I slammed my front door.
I can only put my actions down to my utter detestation for people cutting a red light, and in such a pedestrianised area, with children crossing all the time.
So where does the Larry David ending to this story come in? Well, it comes in when I tell you that the man and his girlfriend are now my new neighbours.
What makes this even worse is that my kitchen window looks onto their garden and at eye level! So every day I have to try and avoid them whilst I wash dishes as they have a fag break glaring in.
It also means I need to be careful when I launch a chicken thigh into their garden for the fox that comes round because, well, that could just be awkward!