I propose MasterChef NHS to settle our hospitals’ culinary rivalry

A 'culinary war' between Edinburgh's two venerable hospitals must be settled - 'I propose MasterChef: NHS,' says Susan Morrison (Picture: BBC)

I’m never actually sure what they’re called. It might be ward assistant, or orderly. Frequently it’s just Janet or Margaret. Mind you, there’s been an increase in Joacim and Terry, as the ranks of the tea army take in more men. No matter their title, they are loyal and proud ambassadors for their hospitals.

Now, NHS food gets a bit of a pounding, and I’ll agree I’ve seen some shockers on a plate. I saw a salad once that made roadkill look like a better option. It was in the old Simpsons Maternity. I’d just given birth, the very moment when you should be feeding up a patient. My husband had to be dispatched to M&S for a meal deal.

Come lunchtime at the Western the incredibly cheery ward assistants were doing a sterling job. The lunch menu included a favourite of mine, cream of cauliflower soup. What can go wrong with soup, I thought? Well, what a revelation. It was hot, fresh and tasty. Had I ordered that at a fancy restaurant, I’d have been well chuffed. It was lovely.

I said as much to Margaret/Janet when she came back for the bowl. The food at the Western, I said, seems loads better than the Royal.

She pulled herself up to her full height, which I’m guessing means she still can’t get things from higher supermarket shelves and announced, “Aye, them at the Royal, eh? Think they’re aw’ that, eh? Well, we make our ain food here. Fresh, so it is. Great folk in the kitchens, so they are.” And as a final shot, a mild sneer and another “Royal, eh?”

Clearly I had tripped a wire. Edinburgh is in the grip of a culinary war between our two venerable hospitals. This must be settled. I propose “Master Chef : NHS”. Bags I a judging spot, if they make cauliflower soup.