I swear Gillian Keegan’s way of reducing high blood pressure is no flyting of fancy - Susan Morrison

Education Secretary Gillian Keegan arrives for the weekly cabinet meeting at 10 Downing Street this week. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)Education Secretary Gillian Keegan arrives for the weekly cabinet meeting at 10 Downing Street this week. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)
Education Secretary Gillian Keegan arrives for the weekly cabinet meeting at 10 Downing Street this week. (Photo by Dan Kitwood/Getty Images)
Doctors recommend all sorts of wheezes to lower your blood pressure, including doing a thing called ‘wall squats’.

This involves shoving yer bahookie into a wall and sort of sitting down. Try it in Leith and everyone will assume someone has stolen your chair.

You can give up alcohol. Good advice, but for some round here the mere idea actually raises blood pressure, so down our way we just skip that danger and keep on drinking.

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Some in the Republic combine wall squatting and alcohol. It's a sort of Leith yoga. I think the idea is that one cancels out the other.

And surprisingly, you should consider swearing more. Apparently it has proven benefits for pain relief and it can, therefore, lower that pesky blood pressure.

So the next time you whack your thumb with a hammer, let fly, my lovelies. Feel the relief and let the blood pressure plunge.

It’s a wonder that Scotland has an issue with blood pressure. We swear well. It used to inhabit even our most elevated cultural life.

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At the court of King James IV, two of his greatest poets, Dunbar and Kennedy, locked horns in a verbal rhyming duel called a Flyting.

Both men were keen to show off their academic learning, their erudite wisdom, their command of the classics, but even more, their ability to basically slag each other off in full throated four-letter fury, with some of the earliest swearing ever recorded in writing.

This being a family newspaper I can't go into the details of the vicious insults traded, but look it up and remember, this was performed before the king and the entire court.

Imagine replacing The Royal Variety Show with a particularly sweary version of Trainspotting Live. Mind you, I understand Queen Camilla isn't a stranger to some blood pressure-lowering utterances.

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Flyting is a peculiarly Scottish art form screaming for a 21st century revival. Stuff leadership debates. Next election we want The Flyting: Sarwar v Yousaf, no holds barred.

We could have Secretary of State for Education Gillian Keegan up to referee it. Seems like this is a gal who knows her way around a four-letter word.

Her blood pressure must be excellent. That was some top-notch expletive use right there. Well, she was feeling under appreciated, and quite rightly so. Gillian's come up with some pretty revolutionary educational thinking.

Fresh air education, for example. For decades studies have shown how beneficial it is.

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Well, the Nordics are terribly keen on it. Look at the Finns. Dreadfully clever and annoyingly happy.

Gillian's bold idea would seem to be to introduce the concept by just letting the schools fall down.

You have to admit, it's a whole new way of defining impactful education, redefining old disciplines and traditions.

Wood working, for example, takes on a whole new dimension when teachers and pupils have to race to build roof braces before the concrete hits the deck.

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Let's reimagine PE as "get out of the way fast", which admittedly will be more difficult since the venerable plimsole will probably be replaced by steel-toed safety boots.

Get the teachers to squat against those walls. Blood pressure goes down, classrooms stay up. Genius, Gillian.

Gosh, that’s interesting. None of the crumbly schools seem to be posh private ones. Oh. My blood pressure is going up. For f…..

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