If Jeremy Clarkson wants mediaeval justice for Meghan Markle then, as a commoner who insulted a duchess, it's the stocks for him – Susan Morrison

What a worrying insight into Mr Jeremy Clakson’s night-time habits.

He must find it hard to drop off, what with his hatred of the Duchess of Sussex keeping him awake at night, grinding his teeth. This lack of sleep does explain the bags under his eyes, I guess.

Actually, she should be grateful she’s got the lead role here, since Nicola Sturgeon and Rosemary West also seem to figure in Mr Clarkson’s nocturnal disturbances. The First Minister of Scotland and the most heinous killer we’ve ever encountered are just handmaidens to the real villain of Mr Clarkson’s life, Meghan Markle.

He wants this young woman paraded along the streets of every town in Britain naked and have excrement chucked at her as punishment for some imagined crime. It was a peculiarly horrible thing to say, particularly his insistence on the “naked” bit, which he said he was “dreaming” of. Oh really, Jeremy?

He claimed it was a clumsy reference to a scene in Game of Thrones, which I’ve never seen, but I know that huge chunks are based on historical reality. The marching of shamed women was a thing that genuinely happened, as was vicious warfare when two royal brothers fell out, although Edward IV managed to avoid shedding his brother Clarence’s blood by drowning him in a vat of wine. Something to bear in mind if you’re watching the Meghan 'n' Harry Netflix documentary at the moment.

Well, if Mr Clarkson wants to bring back mediaeval justice, let’s grant his wishes. But remember, he is a commoner who has insulted a duchess. History is pretty clear that the lower orders were not allowed to do that sort of thing lightly.

At the very least, Prince Harry could challenge Jeremy to hand-to-hand combat, and trust me, that's a television event just waiting for a global audience. My money’s on Harry.

Or we could just bring back the stocks. We’ll let him keep his clothes on, because no-one wants to see that, tour him about, sign a deal with Netflix and get some great coverage of Britain's towns and cities in time for the tourist season.