Leith Walk, a number 7 bus and a scene like Ripley sending an Alien hurtling out into space – Susan Morrison

According to my son, the man on the Number 7 bus was extremely drunk, and he didn’t sound like he'd been drinking Christmas spirit.
Events on a number 7 bus do not appear to have been quite as scary as Alien film series (Picture: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)Events on a number 7 bus do not appear to have been quite as scary as Alien film series (Picture: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)
Events on a number 7 bus do not appear to have been quite as scary as Alien film series (Picture: Bruno Vincent/Getty Images)

He was loud and lairy, and we must be thankful that smoking is no longer an indoor option. One spark and our boozed-up bag of bones would have gone up like a Christmas pudding, probably taking the entire lower deck with him.

Something had annoyed him, that was for sure. He’d moved from the ‘Incoherent Muttering’ Phase to the ‘Ranting in Scots’ Phase, which means that no-one really understood what he was saying. And that annoyed him even more. He stood blocking the aisle, naturally, and turned the volume up.

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He became just coherent enough to be understood. My son attributes this to a sudden refreshing rush of cold air. Unfortunately the draught sent booze fumes through the entire bus. People’s eyes were watering. And also their ears were stinging since every swear word and insult could be clearly heard.

It was enough for the driver. Probably been an arduous day tackling the assault course that is Leith Walk these days.

The driver stopped the bus, and actually left the sanctuary of the cabin and came out to face Mr Drunky Angry Man, and told him in no uncertain terms to get off. This is the handy thing about the two-door buses, by the way. For some bizarre reason the bus drunks always seem to congregate right in front of them. Handy.

He was, he said, just gonnae open the door and hoof him oot. High drama indeed. Remember the scene in Alien when Ripley blasts the beast through the airlock out into the cold vast emptiness of space? Well, it was like that, only on the Number 7 and on Leith Walk.

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Our drunken man pulled himself up to his full height, thereby revealing the bottle of Buckie in his coat pocket, and said: “There’s nae need fur that. I’m leavin’ this bus and fae here oan, Ah’m takin’ the Number 14 instead.”

This might just be the winner of Pointless Threat of the Year.

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