Lockdown: I’ve found a new hobby that doesn’t involve Joe Wicks – Susan Morrison

Susan Morrison has failed to learn Japanese, start exercising with Joe Wicks or tidy her cupboards during the Covid-19 lockdown. So just what has she been doing?

Joe Wicks, aka The Body Coach, has failed to get Susan off her sofa (Picture: Getty)

How are things in your particular Big Brother house? All that’s ­missing in ours is a Geordie voiceover and the chance to get voted out, even though I have failed spectacularly at every task I have taken on.

So far, I have failed to learn Japanese, set up a daily workout ­programme with Joe Wicks or rearrange the downstairs cupboard.

What I have managed to do is watch a lot of box sets on the telly. That must count for something.

I’ve also taken up my old needlework again. It was in the wardrobe. I wasn’t tidying.

I don’t think rootling about for stuff counts as Kondo tidying, especially if you just put everything back the way it was.

There, at the very back, was my old tapestry kit, and believe it or not, the needle and wool. Fair chuffed I was. So, I sat down that evening with tea, digestive biscuits and my needlework and realised I was only missing The People’s Friend to fast forward into my dotage. Tapestry counts as exercise, doesn’t it?

‘Accept this Moment of Pause’?!

Modern technology has proved a bit of a godsend, since it means we can all send motivational quotes around to each other all day, like “Accept this Moment of Pause”, over a picture of a sunset over the sea, which of course just rubs in that seaside trips are out for the time being, unless you happen to be a very senior medical professional with a second home in Fife.

I’m thinking of sending round more practical ones like “Now Is the Time to Clean the Bathroom”, with a nice image of a shiny clean loo in the background, complete with bog roll. Yes, I know, a toilet roll, just for effect. Well, if you’ve got it, baby, flaunt it.

Gobi Desert gift shop

My mum, now in her 80s, has discovered that she can use her phone to see people. This is great news for a lady who likes to talk.

She’s taken to audio calling me. I know it’s her, because I can see the back wall of her kitchen. Now and then I get the side of her face. I know it’s her, because I recognise the earring.

Also, she’s grounded. She’s finally accepted that a wee trip around B&M is not worth the risk. My mum, you see, never went out for her state-sanctioned one-hour exercise without her keys and a wee £10 note in her pocket.

In fact, my mum has never gone ­anywhere without a wee £10 note in her pocket. God forbid she should miss the chance of a retail opportunity. Were my mother to be found lurching around the Gobi Desert they would find that she had a wee £10 note in her pocket, just in case there was a gift shop.

The lure of a possible bargain was just too tempting. I warned her. Stay away from the bargain stores or I’ll dock yer pocket money. Seems to have worked.