Mama's power bill problem? I'll sort it, I thought. Big mistake – Susan Morrison

For some time now, I have been the interface between the Clan Matriarch and sundry folks such as airlines, electricity providers and travel insurance brokers.

It’s not because Mama cannot cope with these pettifogging pencil pushers, she can, and does, but she has a busy social calendar. It’s difficult to find the time.

Prince Charles is in probably the same boat with his mum, although being a bloke, I bet he hives the job off to his wife.

Trust me, I’d pay good money to hear Camilla go through ScottishElectricityGasAndGeneralRipOff Ltd. Bet those conversations wouldn’t end with “have a nice day”.

Susan Morrison has a problem with her mum's power bill (Picture: Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images)

There is a problem on mum’s power bill. No, not the obvious one of “how much???”. It involves a beast called the Green Deal. It got binned back in 2015. It's still coming off her account. She’d like up-to-date details. OK, says I, I’ll take a look. In a moment of misplaced optimism, I said it shouldn’t take long.

I took the precaution of a bathroom break first. Very wise.

One hour and 15 minutes of unmitigated hell. The vast majority was on hold, listening to increasingly terrible music, apparently recorded on a 1970s tape recorder. Every now and then a female voice thanked me for my patience, probably recorded by some wee lassie called Cathy from Customer Services. Drove me nuts.

My call was finally answered, I suspect on foreign shores. Audrey had not a clue, and transferred me. Different music, but just as bad. Cathy stopped thanking me for my patience.

A mumbling young woman answered, panicked and transferred me again. This time it was Richard, who also admitted he didn’t have a Scooby. He took my number. I held out little hope of a return call, but he did call back, and admitted they didn’t actually know anything about it.

He gave me a number. I’ll load up on snacks, drinks and perhaps a camping toilet before I start this one.

So, the hunt continues, but, ScottishElectricityGasAndGeneralRipOff Ltd, you’re making a mint right now. Stop thanking people for their patience and get more people on your phones.