No sympathy for a Scottish rugby fan feeling the heat down under

Vladimir will be trying to find a bar showing Scotland v Italy in the first round of rugby’s Six Nations (Picture: Jane Barlow/PA Wire)

That’s Perth, Western Australia, obviously. I’ve just looked online to see what the weather for Perth, Perth & Kinross looks like. According to the BBC, it’s roughly 35 degrees colder.

I’m out here doing shows at the Perth Fringe. The city is full of ex-pats and they can’t get enough comedy from the Old Country. I’m not the only Scottish stand-up in town this month. When I arrived late on Wednesday, I popped into to the pub next door to my hotel for a night cap and bumped into half-a-dozen fellow comics from back home, plus a couple of Geordies.

It seems a bit bizarre to take a 24 trip to the other side of the world and end up having a pint with someone I saw in Glasgow last week.

Anyway, the Scots out here have been thoroughly enjoying the shows, despite the fact that I am performing in what is probably the only non-air-conditioned room in the festival, if not the entire country. The windows have to be left open during the gig, which can lead to some bizarre interactions with traffic noise and drunk passers-by on the street outside.

I’m actually feeling a bit guilty about the whole trip, because I have left my wife back home with a yet-to-be-repaired central heating boiler. When I phoned home on Thursday and told her how I was struggling with the heat, she said “Well, it’s f***ing cold here”.

Even by Australian standards, we’re having a bit of a heatwave right now. The locals are saying it’s hot. And when the locals are saying it’s hot, you know it’s hot.

What a difference seven days can make. This time last week, I was having to cut back an enormous bush which had been uprooted in front of our house and was blocking my car in the garden. Trying to cope with the pouring rain and the force of Storm Éowyn at the same time, I had to cut back foliage which had almost turned into a sail in the howling wind. Thankfully, I managed to get out on the road and made it down to Haddington for the gig.

This evening, I will definitely try to find a bar that is showing Scotland v Italy in the first round of rugby’s Six Nations. Mainly because I am a fan. But also because I ways have a bit of a laugh watching games being beamed from home when I’m in a hot country. A few years ago, I did a week of gigs in Cyprus for a Scottish promoter who lives there. We went to a bar in Paphos to watch a World Cup qualifying game from Hampden Park. I think Scotland lost but we still had a lot of fun watching the horizontal rain in Glasgow from our Mediterranean beer garden.

I’ve just read the forecast for today in Edinburgh and it’s supposed to be sunny, but I’m not going to let that spoil my enjoyment of watching the game in the heat. C’mon, Scotland!