Nobody wants jovial jesters and banter at the breakfast buffet - Vladimir McTavish

The Marriot Hotel in Glasgow is looking for a comedian to entertain guests at breakfast time during the Edinburgh FringeThe Marriot Hotel in Glasgow is looking for a comedian to entertain guests at breakfast time during the Edinburgh Fringe
The Marriot Hotel in Glasgow is looking for a comedian to entertain guests at breakfast time during the Edinburgh Fringe
Earlier this week, I came across an online advertisement from the Marriot Hotel in Glasgow city centre. They are looking for a comedian to entertain guests at breakfast time during the Edinburgh Fringe. Yes, really.

By no stretch of anyone’s imagination is this a good idea. In fact, it sounds like the gig from Hell. I have taken some misguided bookings down the years, but nothing as potentially awful as this. No comedian wants to play to an audience who are just waking up.

One of the perks that come with the job is free accommodation in the hotel itself. I think this may also be a very bad idea. While it might be a good thing having a captive audience, it’s less appealing when the comedian realises that they themselves are captive too.

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I have heard untold horror stories from friends who have been booked to perform on cruise ships and died the death on their first show of a five-night run and then being stuck onboard for days afterwards.

I know a comic, a brusque Glaswegian with a colourfully vulgar vocabulary, who found himself attempting to “entertain” an audience of blue-rinsed Tory voters from the Home Counties for five nights on the trot. It went so badly he hid in his cabin all week. Another well-known comedian, who shall remain nameless, had to be airlifted by helicopter off a cruise liner after his first gig went so badly that there was nearly a full-scale riot on board.

Also, while this might be a dreadful idea from the point of view of the comedian, what about the guests in the hotel? Has anyone considered what they might think of the idea? Nobody really wants some jovial jester trying to generate banter at the breakfast buffet. I can think of nothing worse. Well, actually I can. Having some annoying clown cracking jokes at the same time as I’m trying to shake off the mother of all hangovers.

A few years ago, some bright spark at the Glasgow Comedy Festival thought it would be a bit of a laugh to book a comedian to perform to the passengers on the 8am Citylink bus to Edinburgh. Not only that, they invited the press to come along for the ride. The stand-up in question was the redoubtable Raymond Mearns, who is without doubt one of the finest Scottish comics of his generation. Even he couldn’t make it work. In fact, it went so badly it ended up being front-page news in the next morning’s Scottish edition of The Sun.

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I once did a gig on the morning of the 2002 World Cup final, which was held in Japan. The game kicked off at something like 8am UK time, and I was the pre-match entertainment to an audience who were eating breakfast and drinking lager. It went every bit as well as expected. They totally ignored me. I reckon they were too tired to heckle. Unfortunately, I had to do a spot at half-time too. By then. they had woken up sufficiently to boo me off.

This breakfast comedian is such a bad idea, I am almost tempted to book a room at the Marriot for one night to witness the comedy car-crash first-hand.

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