Politics may have entered a bizarre parallel universe but at least Douglas Ross isn't Scotland's First Minister – Vladimir McTavish

As spring arrives and we slowly emerge from the winter lockdown, we appear to have entered some bizarre parallel universe where Dominic Cummings preaches about honesty, integrity and ethics. Where Alex Salmond pledges to put women “front and centre” of his party’s policies and where Gordon Brown warns Project Fear won’t work.

Wednesday, 19th May 2021, 4:55 am

I suppose it’s no more bizarre than Amanda Holden judging talent.

Reacting to Cummings’ claims, Boris Johnson predictably tried to sweep the “cash for curtains” scandal under the carpet, hiding 800-quid wallpaper behind several grands worth of curtains.

I’ve been seriously thinking of setting up a crowdfunding page to help with the refurbishment of the Prime Minister’s flat, providing it is done using the same cladding as Grenfell Tower.

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Johnson is further reported to have ranted that he would rather watch the bodies pile high than order a second lockdown. Tragically, when faced with the choice of piling up bodies or ordering lockdown, he chose to do both.

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However, it does strike me as being a perverse way of keeping the economy open. Hospitality and non-essential retail may have been particularly hard-hit over the past 14 months, but not many people are going to want to go to the pub if the beer garden is full of corpses. Likewise, it’s pointless for clothes shops to be open for business if the fitting rooms resemble a makeshift morgue.

Hopefully, you will be able to read this column while having an alcoholic drink inside your local pub, as Scotland embraces a further lifting of restrictions. From the start of this week, we have been able to gather in groups indoors, to travel overseas and to hug each other. In other words, all things that professional footballers have thought it was OK to do for the past ten months.

Douglas Ross said in 2017 that he would like to see 'tougher enforcement against Gypsy Travellers' if he was made Prime Minister for a day (Picture: Paul Campbell/Getty Images)

I should qualify what I mean by “travel abroad”. UK passport-holders are now free to visit any country they choose. As long as they choose Portugal.

A new list of Green Light countries, where travellers need not quarantine on their return, was announced by Transport Secretary Grant Shapps, a man whose name sounds like a rather unpleasant bowel disorder. The only trouble was that the list was largely made up of countries such as Australia and New Zealand that do not allow entry to people from the UK.

Not all the relaxations apply in Moray, due to the worrying spread of the virus in the area. However, a much more worrying virus has existed in Moray since 2017, in the form of people voting for Douglas Ross.

Their local MP has the twin roles of Conservative leader at Holyrood and Scotland’s most unpopular referee. While he was elected unopposed to the former, competition for the latter of those titles is extremely fierce.

Ross thankfully failed in his bid to become First Minister. Which was very good news for travelling communities the length and breadth of Scotland, who can sleep soundly in their caravans for the next five years.

When questioned what he would do on his first day as Prime Minister, Ross infamously replied that he would bring in “tougher enforcement on Gypsy travellers”. Wow! Ethnic-cleansing on day one in the job. One shudders to think what was in his long-term plans for Scotland. Hopefully, we will never find out.

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