£3 million upgrade is just a load of cobblers

Most people have a favourite example of surreal council duncery. Until now, mine was their reneging on an office/warehouse lease, claiming the non-descript office in Queensferry was the only place in Scotland that could house archived files – so twelve new manufacturing jobs couldn’t go ahead.

This week we had more drilling and stone-cutting to give Queensferry's cobbles a £3 million makeover, apparently the only thing standing between the town and imminent economic catastrophe. We're told cosmetically attractive pavements are the deciding factor when tourists choose which European places to visit. You can just imagine Kermit and Mary-Jane in Florida flicking through holiday brochures going, “oh no – what ugly active travel infrastructure Edinburgh western has; we can’t possibly go there; it’s just not... priddy!!”

So local councillors initially earmarked £1m to replace pavements and cobbles with imported grey stone instead of the sandstone we’ve kinda got used to for centuries. That figure ballooned to more than £3m (very difficult to get hard facts about the project) and finally diggers opened up the ground this spring to lay a welcome new cycle way. Materials shortages saw that phase extended by months, with the main part of the street only now getting looked at (just in time for the busy tourist season).

The pneumatic drills have plagued the town this month. I noticed that some of the parking bays had been relaid, and asked about it. “Oh yes,” I was told, “those have been done, but these ones are still to be relaid.”

“But they don't look any different?” I suggested. “Ah; look closer,” I was advised. “The cobbles in the parking bay are now in line with those in the roadway.”

You read that correctly. £3m of our money is being spent turning cobbles by 90º to make them neater!

What a load of cobblers. Perhaps a more fitting target for “pure cold rage”?!