Quirky plant fiasco shows colossal horticultural incompetence - Susan Morrison

The old Coalie Park has had a bit of a glow-up and is looking rather splendid. There’s been some landscaping and new benches have been installed. Naturally, my husband has checked them all and he has pronounced himself impressed by the new additions to outdoor seat provision in Leith.

'There were little vari-coloured cuties and majestic green giants with spectacular flowers,' said Susan

At the end of the stroll there’s the little market. On a glorious early autumn afternoon nothing beats a browse around with a coffee in one hand, and a nice bit of cake in the other. Or a pastry. Entirely up to you.

There’s a plant stall there called Quirky’s. It's a branch (sorry) of a shop on North Junction Street. It must be the smallest garden centre in Edinburgh. Both stall and shop sell an amazing array of what used to be known as pot plants, until they had a bit of a rebrand in the Eighties and became Indoor Plants. They became a corporate thing. Senior management bought into a theory that it calmed the workers and made them more productive. Better pay and conditions would have done the same thing, but a spider plant and a couple of ivies were cheaper.

A couple of months ago I bought a plant from Quirky’s. Now, this is a foolhardy thing for a woman like me. I am to indoor plants what Liz Truss is to, well, anything, really. And yes, I know she’s been given the old heave ho, but that woman remains the gold standard for incompetence on a colossal and unmatched scale.

The plant I bought really appealed to me because it was the ugliest plant on the stall. There were little vari-coloured cuties, majestic green giants with spectacular flowers and, of course, the ever present spider plant, but lurking to one side, like the last kid to be chosen for the netball team, was this spiky, jaggy wee tree thing. It's called a Norfolk pine or something. I’m a bit hazy on the details. Thought it would be great in the bathroom, and looked virtually indestructible.

I managed to kill it.

Last Saturday I was back at the stall, admiring the plants that were alive. During a chat with the lovely folk there I was finally forced to admit I’d kiboshed the pine. What had I done?

Quick series of questions, and then the diagnosis. I’d put it too close to my shower. I thought the steam was a good idea, turns out my very hot showers had basically cooked my pine.

Not to worry, they said, here are some plants that really like your shower. There was advice, tips and assurance that I am not alone in plant-based killing, which was a bit of a relief. So I bought two pretty little things with purple leaves. They are still alive. A whole week now. Go me.

I’ve probably binned enough exotic fauna to re-populate a small rain forest, mostly bought from supermarkets and big garden centres, when what I really should have done was sought out a little stall at a market and spoken to people who really know what they are doing.

Shop local and get great advice. You won’t get that in the self-serve checkouts.