Scotch eggs: Why Michael Gove is dead wrong about one being a 'sustantial meal' – Susan Morrison

Is a Scotch egg a substantial meal? Michael Gove seems to think so.

Minister for the Cabinet Office, Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster, Michael Gove, arrives at Downing Street on September 8, 2020 in London, England.

He said it like he knew what he was talking about, but why listen to a man who said we didn’t need experts?

How does Michael know so much about Scotch eggs anyway? He looks like a man who lives on the diet of a parsimonious 1950s Church of Scotland minister – the sort who viewed Abernethy biscuits as Satanic temptation, and only countenanced a good Presbyterian Rich Tea.

I may be mistaken about his frugal diet, and in reality Michael wires into the buffets at Number 10, horsing down the Scotch eggs before Boris gets there. Now, there’s a chap who’s no stranger to the delights of a good spread, although I see him as a sausage roll sort of a guy.

Michael seemed to know a lot about Scotch eggs. Perhaps nutrition and dieting is his secret passion and he longs to run a slimming empire to rival WeightWatchers. He could advertise on the side of a bus. Great slogan “Britain lost 350 pounds last week with GoveWeightySlim”.

Now, I am fond of a Scotch egg, but I draw the line at calling it ‘substantial’. To me, substantial involves the use of cutlery. Using a knife and fork on a Scotch egg is just asking for trouble. For one thing, you try that posh nonsense down here in Leith and you’re marked out as being ‘up yesel’, as we say in these parts.

For another, it's the curve problem. An unwary diner attempting to cut into a scotch egg will discover that the sausage coating equals the armour-plating of a T-34 Soviet battle tank.

A gourmet street-food Scotch egg (Picture: Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images for NYCWFF)

I have seen the outcome of such dainty handling. Fortunately, no-one was hurt. The egg shot from the table and epically splashed down in the soup of the day being served to a lady four tables down. It was like watching Apollo 12 hit the Pacific.

Scotch eggs are best tackled brutally, with hands and teeth, and you can always manage another one, which proves one is not a substantial meal.

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