Scotland does do theme parks but they’re pretty grim - Susan Morrison

As a result, I have had moments in the last week where I could take in the majestic beauty of West Lothian and North Lanarkshire.

Visitor attractions

There’s a reason why Scotland’s great motorway never makes the world’s top ten most scenic roads.

At least I got to admire the signs, like the one just before the A725, pointing the way to the ‘Visitor Attractions’. Very direct, those signs. Are you a visitor? Then these are the attractions. The colour is grimly presbyterian. I’d call it ‘Church of Scotland Brown’.

At the very bottom of an extensive list of goodies for visitors to be attracted to is ‘Scotland’s Theme Park’.

Now other nations take the easy route out and follow through on a theme. Disney, Universal Studios, Lego, heck, there's even one for Dolly Parton. The French have a park based around Astérix the Gaul. But not us. No. It's just a ‘theme’, and we’re notably vague about what the actual theme is.

Is it a Broons concept park, with Ma’s stovies on demand and an endless wee dram with Paw and ‘The ‘Oor Wullie Run Aroon’ the Block’, being chased by PC Murdoch?

Perhaps it’s a full-on ‘Trainspotting’ Experience? Leith’s got that cornered, now that the benches are back in the Kirkgate.

Now, if this was the US, Scotland’s Theme Park would be a 500 acres of Outlander and Braveheart rides, Nessie Boat trips on a replica Loch and the Edinburgh Castle Haunted House Experience.

The on-site Brigadoon Hotel will make you feel like you’ve had a good night's sleep lasting a hundred years and the staff will be swathed in tartan and sporting smiles.

But this is Scotland, and there’s a vague smack of disappointment about that brown sign. Oh, it's probably an OK sort of a place, but I suspect it bears about as much relation to a real theme park as Calmac does to Cunard.

Ah, just looked at the reviews. Now, they do have a theme, but it's pretty grim.