Scots don't eat vegetables? Get ready for the Great Salad Riot of 2023 – Susan Morrison
Take that, critics who say the Scots have a terrible diet.
Polite little signs have appeared in Tesco, Sainsbury’s and even Lidl, asking us to lay off our serious salad habit so that others might get the chance to roast a tomato or fine slice a cucumber. Even cabbage is getting low. Coleslaw lovers are worried.
Clearly retailers are afraid of potential pandemic-style panic buying, but please remember, if you are stockpiling peppers you’re going to find out in a week or so that they don’t last as long as toilet roll. As ever, a politician has opened her gob and rubbish for landfill has fallen out, which is apt for the Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.
She has suggested that we turn away from these foreign fancy food notions and embrace the turnip instead. This caused an outbreak of confusion in Scotland, where we couldn’t decide if she meant a neep or a swede.
The supermarkets say they can’t get their mitts on the goods because of bad weather in North Africa, not enough truck drivers to move things about, and increased paperwork at the borders. No idea what’s causing that.
Now the egg aisles are starting to look as empty as the stands at a Scottish Third Division football game on a wet Wednesday night. Avian flu has led to a shortage of laying hens. Chicken for the pot is getting pricey. ‘Winner, winner, chicken dinner’ is starting to sound nostalgic.
Bad weather, global supply chain collapse and miles of new red tape are all blamed, but are these really the reason we can’t make salad with a boiled egg, lettuce and tomato?
Or is it forward planning by those in charge? After all, we may get so fed up with not being fed that we might rise up. We might riot.
We might bring back the stocks and stick ’em all in. And, then, good people, what will we throw at them? No tomatoes, cabbages or eggs, rotten or otherwise. Well, nothing for it. We’ll just have to chuck neeps, and trust me, that’s gonna hurt.