Splash it all over – a close shave with those old cologne ads : Susan Morrison

Back in the 70’s and 80’s we knew it was Christmas because the aftershave ads hit the telly. Well, those soap, talc and 100ml bottle gift sets won’t sell themselves y’know.

Johnny Depp promotes Dior's Sauvage aftershave

Those adverts in the 1970s and 80 were a golden age, some directed by men who would go onto big screen success.

They grabbed your attention, told a tiny story and made the lads believe that one wallop of the smelly stuff on your coupon and you’d get that girl, drive that car or surf that big wave, and all to the booming Old Spice soundtrack of O Fortuna.

Blue Stratos had blokes hang-gliding off mountains into the arms of waiting lovelies. Scottish grannies of the 70’s bought this as a gateway aftershave for the fourteen year old in their life. Perhaps It smelled like teen spirit.

Brut was the bottle for the lads. Henry Cooper and Barry Sheene had an on-screen bromance, but never fear, as soon as young Barry splashed it all over, the babes nearly broke the door down to get at them.

Youngsters, go YouTube it. You’ll see that I’m right, if you overlook the shonky sexist attitudes of the time.

Yes, I do agree that the women in those decades seemed to spend a lot of time draped over the chaps, suggestively nibbling their lower lips and fiddling with their hair.

Trust me, they really didn’t, any more than lads from Glasgow went surfing, hang-gliding or hung out with Henry and Barry.

Yes, those ads were sexist and silly, but they were entertaining.

Today all we have to look forward to is a mean and moody Johnny Depp. He’s in the middle of the desert thrashing an electric guitar to death. It must be solar powered. He’s clearly off-grid.

The noise is terrible. A passing pack of wolves have begun howling in an effort to drown out his playing.

Sadly they can’t get the guitar off miserable Mr Depp and eat it, which would be a blessing for all.

Ah, if only Big Henry could come back to give Johnny a playful splash of Brut He might cheer up.