Susan Morrison: Furnishing firms now want to be your penpal – I just want curtains!
The living room curtains have reached the end of their active career. Dread to think how long they’ve been up. I’m thinking at least six Prime Ministers back.
No point in going back to the shop I originally bought them from. It's long gone, replaced by one of those eccentrically stocked American candy stores selling lurid coloured sweets at weirdly inflated prices, like a sort of delicatessen, which is odd, since everyone knows the good ol’ US of A never quite cracked the confectionary code. It’s generally terrible stuff. Hershey bars. I rest my case.
I could, I suppose, head up to John Lewis, but that's a bit intimidating for me. The staff are wonderful, everyone knows that, but the faint whiff of Stockbridge about their fabrics makes a Leither nervy.
And so online it is. All the sites sound the same. It's usually a combination of the word “curtains”, perhaps the number 4. They might go mad and actually spell out the digit. The word ‘you’ usually makes an appearance, and the truly trendy seem to like just using the letter ‘U’.
A quick click and a world of pleats, swathes, voile and velvet filled my screen. All the patterns you could ever want from floral to mid-century geometric. The 1960’s seem to be back in fashion. Can hardly move out there for the swirly and/or chunky stuff. Just stop it. Seriously, it was bad enough the first time around. I still have nightmares about the crazy-paving inspired curtains my mum put up. I swear you could see faces leering back at you at night.
There was a nice non-threatening pattern, thought I’d take a look. Click on the pic. But not so fast, there, Sparky. This website wants you to get to know you. There’s a newsletter. Just put in your email address and that fun-filled message will ping into that overcrowded inbox every month. What on earth can a soft-furnishings company have to tell me once a month? To be fair, I did keep in touch with the actual shop the current curtains came from, but that's because the nice lady who worked there often caught the same bus as me and we liked a bit of a chat.
Now that I think back, though, she didn’t mention the shop once, or even asked how I was getting on with my curtains. I do hope her niece is doing well, though.
I brushed off the newsletter offer, but my quest to see the curtains was foiled again. If I signed up for that blasted monthly missive I could get 10% off, which sounds like a good deal, but only if I actually buy the curtains and at this rate I can’t even get to see them. Clicked the little ‘X’ and the 10% message vanished.
To be immediately replaced with a ‘new customer offer’ which I think was 10 per cent off, the newsletter and two matching cushion covers.
Lets get this straight, window dressers. I don’t want a penpal. I want curtains. Yes, the money off or even the matching cushions might be nice, but I don’t know because I can’t see the product for the pop-up.
You know what, I might just give my hair a brush, put my good jacket on, pretend to live in Stockbridge and go to John Lewis.