Susan Morrison: Visayan warty pigs and pygmy hippos – what could be cuter?

Haggis, the internet-famous pygmy hippo calf at Edinburgh Zoo, has been introduced to dad Otto

I have no doubt that they are being kept right royally and that will be an expensive business, which leads to an expensive ticket. £29.70. Tip: it's cheaper if you book ahead.

Well, a zoo is not a cheap thing to run. Any pet owner will tell you that the vet’s bill for an aged moggie will make your eyes water. Imagine the cost for a constipated tiger.

My cheery girl on the till had to explain to a pair of tourists that the pandas no longer lived at the zoo. They were mildly crestfallen, but I for one am thrilled.

There's something irredeemably shifty about pandas. Those big sad eyes don’t fool me for a minute. Manipulative, I call them. Waited on hand and foot like lazy emperors and can’t even be bothered creating little pandas.

Look at the useless lumps we got landed with. Tian Tian and Yang Guang were personally welcomed by Nicola Sturgeon with the hope that the young couple would get it on and boost the panda numbers. They didn’t. Perhaps they felt the pressure of the then Deputy First Minister’s expectations.

Experts tried to get Yang Guang in the mood. They even showed naughty panda movies to the gormless lad. No idea where they source such salacious material, but someone out there has ‘Panda Porn Director’ on his CV.

Well, they’re gone now. Our zoo is panda free and I think all the better for it.

It’s a great day out, especially for our own human young. There are few things more fun than watching kids watching monkeys watching kids. It’s also slightly scary. You can’t escape the feeling that some sort of telepathic communication is going on. One little boy was mesmerised by a baboon's spectacular bahookie display. I could tell the lad was storing the choreography for future reference.

Haggis, the baby pygmy hippo appeared. To be honest, it's a face that invites the phrase ‘but he’s got a lovely personality’. His mum, though, looked just as chuffed as any new mother.

The penguins once again rule the roost as the top black-and-white attraction, now that those over-hyped pandas have been bunged back to Beijing. Excellent.

The penguin is my spirit animal. I’m roughly the same shape, love fish and have been known to squawk loudly in my own little nest until my husband feeds me. What's not to love? Natty dressers, too. When the pandas were in town, my gentoos and rockhoppers were ruthlessly booted down the bill, but they’re back, baby, better than ever.

Do we still need zoos in this modern world? Sadly I think we do, even in these days of incredible television documentaries, when every second of a cheetah taking down an ailing wildebeest can be caught in all its muscular, blood-spurting, bone-crunching splendour.

Our zoos are now fast becoming arks in a hostile world. Look at the warty pigs. Not the most glamorous beasties, I’ll grant you, but the world would be poorer without a warty pig.

Yes, it's pricey, but so are theme parks and soft play centres. At least here the money helps to keep Haggis, his mum and the world's best bird, the penguin.