Taking in a show tonight? Here's how to avoid getting thrown out – Susan Morrison

Franki Valli fans allegedly turning to fisticuffs during ‘Jersey Boys’ is not what you expect from people who turn up the car radio when “Oh, What a Night” comes on Smooth FM.

It's usually best to leave the singing to the professionals (Picture: Yui Mok/PA Wire

The Playhouse theatre director, Colin Marr, is right. Some audiences are behaving badly. Now, there’s always been a troublesome element, and keeping trouble out is a skill venues pride themselves on. The Stand Comedy Club gained its award-winning reputation not just on who was on stage, but also who got through the door.

Generally speaking, trouble was easy to spot. We kept our eyes on lairy lads and Chardonnay-fuelled females whose balance control was reset to ‘violent swaying’ and speaking volume to ‘Harrier Jump Jet Take-off’.

Of course, it’s easier for The Stand. Smaller audience, all coming through one door, and a compact room to patrol. The Playhouse, Festival Theatre and EICC all have my sympathy. They have to deal with bigger audiences, and they also have to deal with a new emerging flashpoint of trouble. These are people who, frankly, are old enough to know better. They left their manners at the bar, but kept their sense of entitlement.

It’s surprisingly easy to avoid being thrown out of any performance event. Here’s a handy guide to avoiding the old heave-ho before the show ends. If you’re in a venue and a member of staff appears beside you and asks you modify your behaviour, it's really important to remember that the management and staff didn’t have a preshow meeting and said: “Right, for a laugh, let’s chuck out anyone who sits in seats J7&J8.”

Instead, consider the following. Out of the hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of audience members, you have been noticed having a negative impact on the enjoyment of the people around you. Now, these folks have also paid their ticket money. They may have gone full date night and invested in a babysitter, pre-theatre dinner, a drink or two at the bar and a taxi home. This is serious wonga. They wish to enjoy the show.

What they don’t want is overhearing a sustained conversation about Sharon’s marital difficulties or which TV show the leading lady may have graced. At a musical performance, they may not enjoy your interpretation of My Eyes Adored You quite as much as you think. The people on stage are professionals. You are not. Audience members will get annoyed. They might turn nasty.

This is also valid at the opera. You join in with Nessun Dorma and a pair of ‘accidentally’ dropped opera glasses might turn your tenor into a soprano. Don’t even think about ballet. Those ballerinas might look like fragile butterflies, but you try to hoof it with the Swan Lake cygnets and you’ll walk with a limp for a lifetime.

So, if a staff member does appear next to you, trust me, there will be a reason. Listen graciously and apologise. Quietly. Don’t get abusive. That’s the quickest way to the exit.

And finally, you’re probably not a lawyer. It’s amazing the number of legal experts who get chucked out, always threatening to sue. They never did. At The Stand, we came to believe they really weren’t lawyers at all. Imagine that.

It's not hard. Sit back, relax, have a great time. Sing along in the taxi home.