Tories look like they’re thrown together by rogue dating app - Vladimir McTavish

Dr Lisa Cameron sits beside former prime minister Theresa May adn Douglas Ross after joining the Conservative party ranks

She was sat in-between Theresa May and Douglas Ross, with a face like a slapped backside. However, neither the Vicar’s Daughter nor the Fat Referee looked particularly pleased with the situation.

All three of them looked cringingly uncomfortable, as if they had been thrown together by some sadistic dating app that had malfunctioned and gone totally rogue.

It reminded me of that moral conundrum where you have to choose who you would throw out of a hot-air balloon.

You know how it goes. You are in a hot-air balloon with Adolf Hitler, Ghengis Khan, Stalin and Katie Hopkins but there is only enough air to keep four of you afloat.

Who do you throw out? So you are in the same hot-air balloon with Theresa May, Douglas Ross and Lisa Cameron.

I think I’d probably jump out and take my chances with gravity.

While the Tories seemed somewhat underwhelmed by their new MP, Keir Starmer was positively cock-a-hoop about his two new members, having won a couple of by-elections in previously safe Tory seats.

Only time will tell whether this means Labour are ready for government or that the Conservatives are terminally toxic.

With by-elections, one also has to bear in mind who the previous in MP had been.

In Tamworth and mid-Bedfordshire they were, respectively, a drunken sex pest and Nadine Dorries. Talk about toxic!

So you’re in a hot-air balloon with a drunken sex pest and Nadine Dorries. Who do you throw out? It’s a bit of a no-brainer, that one.

Obviously, it would be Nadine Dorries every time.

So is Sir Keir Starmer a Prime Minister in-waiting? I still remain to be convinced by the guy. The only thing vaguely Labour about him is his first name.

Just because your parents name you after Keir Hardie, it doesn’t necessarily make you a socialist. He seems to me like Tony Blair without the charisma.

Or Blair Lite.

He seems a bit like someone who has a fairly dull nine-to-five office job on Monday to Friday, but is in a David Bowie tribute band at the weekend.

He may have bought himself a skin-tight jumpsuit and painted a zig-zag stripe on his face, but he’s still really Graham from HR.

Ziggy without the stardust is just Ziggy. Actually, Ziggy Starmer sounds quite catchy. I might actually vote for someone with a name like that.

Anyway, back to the ridiculous Lisa Cameron. She claimed she was bullied by SNP members at Westminster.

It doesn’t make a great deal of sense that someone who pretends to be a victim of bullying should seek refuge in the Tory Party, traditionally the home of bullies.

She alleges she was victimised because of her Christian beliefs, making herself out to be some kind of religious martyr.

Does she want to be seen as some kind of latter-day Joan of Arc? Lisa of East Kilbride doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.