Tree-hugging tournament surely barking mad, but could it take root?

To be brutally honest, I was unaware that tree hugging had become so competitive. Well, if they can make knocking out a Victoria Sponge under the baleful glare of Paul Hollywood a televisual battle to the death then I suppose trunk cuddling can get dog-eat-dog.

Tree Huggers will gather at Darnel Country Park on September 7

The word “tournament” would indicate an element of risk, but surely sneaking up on a tree is a fairly safe sort of game? It’s not like trees can run away. They’re not Triffids. Don’t try to hug them. Dangerous. Trees are pretty safe to wrap your arms around. They’re not cacti. Don’t hug them either. Spiky. Tree bark is way safer than any bite.

There are three categories; Speed hugging, where contestants try to hug as many trees as possible. I don’t hold with this. Has anyone asked the tree? Mucking about with emotions, that is. No sooner has the tree been wrapped in an embrace than whoosh, the hugger is off. Promiscuous, I call it. Next thing you know people will be chucking pine cones in fruit bowls at swingers parties to get off with the non-deciduous junipers next door.

There is a category for Dedication. More of a romantic sort of vibe here where you really get to groove with the bark. Finally, Free-style, where you get to impress the judges with a “minute of innovative and inventive hugging”. I have always modelled my hugging on Soviet Leaders of the 20th century and gone for the “Open Arms/Clasp Recipient/Close Arms” approach, but there may be more modern interpretations available. Trees may require a more clingy, ivy-like technique.

And yes, I originally wrote all of this with a slew of tree-related terms, but following a root and branch survey I ruthlessly pruned them out. And in any case, how could you top the ultimate tree hugger word association? Last year’s competition was won by Hannah Willow.