Under cover of darkness, I stumbled into a cunning trap - Susan Morrison

You have to be careful where you put your feet these days

As a trap to trip the unwary traveller, it’s right up there with something nasty deployed in jungle warfare.

It’s brilliantly camouflaged. It’s almost the same colour as the paving slabs around it, which makes it tricky to spot, even though those surroundings have slowly sunk, leaving it slightly proud of the surface.

In the dark it waits, like that Great White at the beginning of Jaws. Should an unwary foot, moving at speed and with resolute purpose, come down hard on this sneakily uneven pavement, the results are not good.

I can tell you in some detail what happens next, because I was that unlucky victim. My left foot came down and suddenly found the wrong half of itself in midair.

Instinctively, The body lurched hard to port, then savagely counterbalanced to starboard. The tendons, muscles and boney bits of the ankle all stretched and wrenched beyond the recommended user limits. Unbalanced, I flew forward, my right hand slammed into the ground and wham, my days with the Bolshoi ballet are over.

You bet it hurt. The only saving grace was that it was just after midnight and no-one saw the full-body pavement plant.

Safe to say the language was salty. But I’m lucky. Despite hitting state pension age, my bones have been medically proven to be strong enough to take a hit like this. Other people aren’t so fortunate. A fall like that breaks hips.

After a moment, I got up and limped home, cursing most fulsomely. A few minutes later I was nursing a rapidly swelling ankle, a very strong gin and my rapidly rising wrath. Vengeance, I swore, would be mine.

But vengeance against whom? Oh, it's all very well telling me I should tell the council. Why? As far as I can see, the council is actively turning our pavements into no-go areas for people who actually want to just walk.

Down here in the Republic, we’ve had mayhem and hullabaloo as Great Junction Street has been ripped up and remodelled. A bold new vision of a ‘liveable’ neighbourhood is being created, which came as something of a surprise to us. We thought we were living here. In a neighbourhood.

Part of this brave new world involves a shiny new cycle way to encourage more people to ditch the motor and hit the saddle.

Now, I have nothing against cyclists. In fact, I admire them. I couldn’t do it. Too angry, y’see. I fear I could become a UChube sensation upon the uploading of dashcam footage featuring me hurling a second hand bike at a delivery van windscreen.

But it's not just fear that stops people cycling. You need a level of fitness. Then there’s the Lycra shorts, a challenge for any bits that wobble, which in my case is just about everything below chin level.

I am delighted that cyclists are getting a reasonable ride, but in the meantime, pedestrians are being left lurching along Leith’s lumpy pathways.

If we really want to break the reliance on the car and encourage a fitter population, then let's fix those pavements and get people walking safely.