Vladimir McTavish: Happy St Andrew’s Day - I hope you survived Black Friday

Pipers from the Stockbridge Pipe Band lead the colourful St Andrew's Day march

I wouldn’t be surprised if more people in Scotland were aware that yesterday was Black Friday, that traditional winter festival where punters punch old-age pensioners in the face in Curry’s to get the last half-price flatscreen TV.

So who was St Andrew? I once told an an American tourist that he was the guy who invented golf, which was why he was the patron saint of Scotland. He believed me. I also managed to convince him that Burns Night commemorated the victims of chip pan fires.

St Andrew is also the patron saint of both Russia and Ukraine, as well as Greece, Cyprus and Romania. Obviously, when countries were doling out patron sainthoods back in the day, there were not the same stringent qualification criteria as enforced by FIFA today.

Andrew didn’t even have a Scottish granny, but it is thought his remains could have been transported to St Andrew’s, hence his connection to Scotland.

According to some folktales, after Andrew’s crucifixion on 30 November, his followers pledged to take his bones “to the end of the earth”. Which was, apparently, Fife.

My American cousins actually celebrate St Andrew’s Day, as do Scottish ex-pats throughout the world. Unlike us here at home. But we’re not alone. I reckon the only people in England who know the date of St George’s Day are the likes of Nigel Farage, Tommy Robinson, some Reform UK voters and various nutters in the EDL.

Ireland is different. It’s impossible to ignore St Patrick’s Day over there. In fact, it’s impossible to ignore St Patrick’s Day over here, since it became a huge marketing opportunity for Guinness. Every March 17, every student pub in Edinburgh give away huge pint-shaped hats.

Black Friday started in the States and there are many theories about the derivation of its name. One is that it refers to riotous behaviour on the streets of Philadelphia, when there would be widespread drunken violence and shoplifting on the day following Thanksgiving. Sounds plausible to me.

So now you know. Happy St Andrew’s Day. I hope you survived Black Friday without getting

punched.