We did vow to love and honour, but obey was definitely off the table

There’s a wedding in the offing. Excellent. Done too many funerals of late. Somewhere in my house there is a video of my wedding. Well, I say that, but I strongly suspect I accidentally taped an episode of Inspector Morse over it back in the early 90s. I do regret that now and then.

For one thing, I’d be able to find out exactly what it was I promised in the “vow section” of the proceedings.

Marriage vows include ‘for richer, for poorer’ promises - we’ve done the poor bit, still waiting for the dosh, says Susan Morrison

placeholder image — Marriage vows include ‘for richer, for poorer’ promises - we’ve done the poor bit, still waiting for the dosh, says Susan Morrison

To be fair, all we got were the traditional options, with some mild tweaking. We did “love and honour”, but “obey” was off the table. He did endow all his worldly goods on me, but this was the late 80s and that involved quite a lot of Aramis aftershave, which I politely declined. There was the “in sickness and in health” bit, which I’ve definitely cashed in on, and the “for richer, for poorer” promises. We’ve done the poor bit. Still waiting for the dosh.

We stuck with the “having and holding as long as we both shall live”, and it looks like that vow became a contract. Couldn’t be bothered divorcing now. Have you seen the paperwork? Blimey.

These days young people get to write their own vows. I blame American reality TV shows about weddings. I have no scientific data to back this up, but having listened by accident to several statements made by Messers Farrage and Trump, I realise that copper-bottomed truth is oot the windae and evidence is no longer required.

Yer American betrotheds seem big on the schmaltz, and keen on lengthy lachrymose statements about being loving supportive helpmates willing to walk hand-in-hand into a future sharing life’s challenges and adventures.

Nowhere do they acknowledge the true meeting of marriage and partnership, which is to keep your finances in order, make tea when the other one doesn’t feel well and hold the ladder when they go up into the loft to get the Christmas decorations down. Oh, and get the spider out of the bath.

Yes, the old traditional promises might lack a bit of Tinseltown zing, but at least they’re short, like so many Hollywood marriages.