Welcome to the alternative New Year’s Honours awards - Vladimir McTavish

Elon Musk during a campaign rally for Donald Trump

Arise, Sir Gareth Southgate. Really? The guy has never actually won anything.

In the past, football managers had to have picked up some serious silverware to get a knighthood. Although staying in the England job for eight years without getting the sack is no mean feat.

Nevertheless, the news of Southgate’s honour will have been well received in Scotland, as he has always been very popular up here.

This is mainly on account of him missing the crucial spot-kick when England were knocked out in a penalty shootout in the Euro ’96 semi-final by Germany.

That elevated him to hero status almost on a par with Diego Maradona. Why he has never been inducted into the Scottish Football Hall Of Fame remains a mystery to this day.

The news that national treasure Stephen Fry was to be knighted was less contentious. Just when you thought it was impossible for him to be any more smug.

Talking of which, the equally self-satisfied Emily Thornberry becomes a Dame for no apparent reason. Although nominally handed out by the Monarch, the honours are actually decided by the PM, so I’m guessing Starmer gave her a DBE as a consolation prize for leaving her out of the Cabinet in July.

Since this is the season to be handing out baubles, here are my awards for 2024:

Most Sinister Person Of The Year. An incredibly tight contest in a packed field.

Any one of a number of candidates could have walked away with the gong, including Donald Trump, Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson. But it has to be Elon Musk.

Disappointment Of The Year. Many contenders but the winner is undoubtedly Keir Starmer’s first six months in office.

To put this achievement into perspective, the shortlist also included the failed assassination attempt on Trump and Scotland’s performance against Germany at the Euros. That’s how much the public feel let down.

Worst Cosmetic Surgery Of The Year. Despite stiff competition from Katie Price, Cliff Richard and Kim Kardashian’s arse, it’s Elon Musk again. Is there no stopping this man?

Complete A***hole of the Year. The smart money was on Jeremy Clarkson to win for the fifth consecutive time. But Keir Starmer scoops the award after giving a knighthood to Gareth Southgate and making Emily Thornberry a Dame.

As for Biggest Joke Of The Year, there was a runaway winner in 2024. It was impossible to imagine anything more ridiculous than Russell Brand’s conversion to Christianity.

In case you missed it at the time, he was baptised in the Thames by Bear Grylls, doubtless mis-quoting from The Bible “there is more joy in Heaven over one sex pest who repents....”

It’s going to take a hell of an effort to top that in 2025. However, given the recent scandals plaguing the Church Of England, it would come as no surprise if Brand were to be ordained as a vicar this year.

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