Where’s the pavement map showing sprained ankles, skinned knees and faceplants?

If only someone could create an interactive map showing where to find pavement repairs in Scotland? asks Susan Morrison

They’re digging up Great Junction Street again. There’s a rumour running round the Kirkgate that there’s pirate treasure under the wee Tesco on the corner, but the woman who told me that also once assured me that the late Queen was her half-sister and that she’d had an affair with Elton John.

The woman in the Kirkgate, that is, not the queen. In any case, I very much doubt that either of them had a romantic assignation with Sir Elton.

I didn’t entirely trust my Kirkgate informant, and so I tracked down the whizz-bang map from the Scottish Roads Commissioner. No, I didn’t know we had one, either. I imagine it’s someone like Commissioner Gordon from Batman’s Gotham City, ready to cast the eerie glow of a giant traffic cone into the sky whenever emergency workies are for a quick contraflow anywhere on Scotland’s roads.

It’s a brilliant map. It’s on the Road Works Scotland website. You’ll be delighted to know that Edinburgh is currently being soundly beaten by the city of Glasgow when it comes to holes in roads. Depending on how you look at it, we’ve got about 650 active areas of trench warfare, whilst Glasgow has over 1200.

Great Junction Street is currently in the grip of Scottish Water, whilst Virgin Media and SP Energy are digging up Yardheads and Henderson Street. No mention of pirate gold.

The most remote roadworks in Scotland currently look like being on the A857 between Lionel and the Port of Ness on Lewis. It’s the council about to “overlay the existing surface with hot bitmac”. They say it’ll take 12 days. Bet its mayhem in rush hour. Thoughts and prayers to the people of Lewis, although on the plus side, they’ve got a better chance of finding buried treasure up there.

Now, if only someone could create an interactive map showing where to find pavement repairs in Scotland. Or even highlighting the really awful ones. We could measure it by rates of wobbly paving stones and annual figures of sprained ankles, skinned knees and faceplants. Perhaps the Scottish Pavement Commissioner has one. Odd. Can’t find that website….

Where’s the pavement map showing sprained ankles, skinned knees and faceplants? - Susan Morrison