XXXTRA FUNNY

KENNY EVERETT

(Everett’s sexually flamboyant drag character, Cupid Stunt, is being interviewed on the Parkinson chat show)

Michael Parkinson: Do you have any tips?

Everett (as Cupid Stunt): Yes, just two. First, girls – don’t take anything lying down unless you have to. Secondly, be nice to everyone on the way up, because you’re gonna want them to be nice to you on the way . . . down.

DICK EMERY

(Emery’s best-known character, Mandy, comes walking out of a shop only to be confronted by a reporter conducting vox-pops)

Interviewer: May I ask – do you lead a very active social life?

Emery (as Mandy): Oh, yes, my boyfriend says I’m never available. I have so many hobbies and I belong to so many societies.

Interviewer: Well, hasn’t he ever asked you to drop them?

Emery (as Mandy): Pardon?

Interviewer: Drop them. He’d certainly see a lot more of you.

Emery (as Mandy): Oh, you are awful, but I like you (pushes the interviewer on to the ground).

ON THE BUSES

(Arthur and Olive are learning to dance)

Arthur: No we can’t do it (Stan). Olive and I haven’t performed together for too long.

Olive: Well that’s true.

Stan: I was only asking you to do the foxtrot, not bleedin’ Last Tango in Paris.

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

(The nurse is coaching Old Mr Grace on an electric bicycle)

Mr Grace’s Nurse: I’ve got a surprise for you, Mr Grace. You’ve been doing it on your own the last five minutes.

Mr Grace: You get used to that sort of thing at my time of life.

RONNIE BARKER - THE TWO RONNIES

(Reading the news)

News presenter: The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peersage. He’ll now be known as Lord of the Flies.