Helen Martin: Oh Christmas tree, how whiffy are thy branches

THE focus of the lounge each year is always the Christmas tree, which smells of woods and pine.

Helen Martin's tree generated a strong pong. Picture: Getty Images

But tragedy struck in chez Martin, ‘cos that wasn’t the case with mine.

Its height was right, its shape was grand – it was a beautiful tree.

But once it was dressed, and lit and starred, it began to smell of wee!

It wasn’t the dog, it wasn’t the cat, surely the heat of the lights.

Alas the smell got stronger and stronger over the next few nights.

You think it was my pets? No,stop! The smell was strongest at the top.

(Even a big dog physically…. cannot pee up vertically!)

I suspect it was lying in the yard, but the tree sellers hadn’t been on guard…

To stop visiting pooches having a sniff and leaving behind a noxious whiff.

I tried some sprays to compensate including red berry and rose.

But everyone who visited, departed clutching their nose.

It looked very pretty I must say, but was dumped outside on Boxing Day.

The tragedy? It was thrown out – and that poor young tree had been axed for nowt.