'I was staring at what looked like off-cuts of a shag-pile rug wriggling about on his face' - Susan Morrison

Oh good, election, is it? Gosh, we haven’t had one for what, weeks now?

Friday, 2nd April 2021, 4:45 pm
Former Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond poses for a portrait on March 27, 2021 in Strichen. Picture: Peter Summers/Getty Images

There was a time when we were in the polling booth so often they should have introduced a loyalty card, or at least let you keep the pencil.

We were getting a bit poll-fatigued, what with general elections and referendums all over the place. We might need some fresh encouragement to go to the polls, such as dual-use voting booths. They could double up with tanning salons that have those stand-up sunbeds. Vote ‘n’ Tan. Could be an incentive.

Speaking of tans, I see Tommy Sheridan has popped back up, like the one of those characters in a soap opera who went upstairs to change the duvet three years ago and vanishes, only to reappear announcing that they fell out the window, bashed their heads, developed amnesia then accidentally became a hitman for a mob family and they’ve been living in Columbia under the name Antonella Monzales.

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He’s joined the Alba party, which, much to my amusement, no-one seems entirely sure how to pronounce. For decades everyone I know, all the people on the telly and even Mr Salmond himself, gave it the clipped pronunciation four letters seemed to say. Now, suddenly everyone is an expert in Gaelic and managing to ram at least three extra vowels in, smugly looking like they had known all along.

Well, however the name is pronounced, the party is a cat among the pigeons. Things were looking a bit dull till Eck showed up, having apparently visited the Trump Man Hair and Facial Salon. You are not telling me that man’s not had work done on that barnet. And his eyebrows.

In fact, I don’t think I heard a word he said for staring at what looked like off-cuts of a shag-pile rug wriggling about on his face.

Well, he has the backing of political giants like Nigel Farage and Alex Arthur (nope, me neither) and he’s also managed to simultaneously annoy Nicola Sturgeon and George Galloway, so this is all shaping up to be much more fun than I anticipated.