John Gibson: Ben's MBE brings out my jealous streak

It's clearly irreverent, I'm well aware, and I should bow out of respect for Benedict Cumberbatch, now that he has appeared on screen with Queenie, collecting his MBE, attired in his best for Buckingham Palace. Up till now I've christened him Benedict Cabbagepatch.

A gong should make all the difference and, verily, out of disrespect I’ll be calling him Benedict Cabbagepatch. Jealous because you have not got a gong yourself, John?

Bet your sweet life! I should have got mine an eternity ago. But, no deal! There just ain’t no justice out there. It’s a cruel old world, despite anything you’ve heard from Louis Armstrong.

If I had a gravel voice like Louis I’d sing it to you myself. Hold on a minute while I clear my throat or, on second thoughts, maybe no.

By the way I have met Her Majesty or, if you like, she has met me and I have a picture to prove it.

Who wants to live forever?

They have created a pill that could help humans live to 120.

Well, I have to gasp: “God help us!”

Imagine, people like you and me doddering about at 120. Beggars belief. Comical the thought of us staggering about at a century or more.

Dine on dimples

Here’s a wee snippet for golfers, and I know there are a lot of you club-swingers out there.

I’m told that the standard golf ball has 336 dimples.

Try that at your next golf club dinner but, please, don’t tell them you heard it from me.