Susan Morrison: Congrats Kate, now get on your joggy bottoms

It won't be pretty underneath that red frock. Picture: SWNS

Dear Kate, congrats on the new baby. Well done, lass, but sweetheart, high heels?

Oh, I know you looked quite simply stunning, but every mum in the world knows what’s under that red frock, and we know it ain’t pretty.

It can take days for us mere mortals to get back to being human again.

Adam McVey: Don't believe conspiracy theories about Edinburgh's trams

In fact, after both my births I bore an uncanny resemblance to the Mother Alien, complete with spitting acidic venom and a strange desire to rip people in two. Well, by people, I mean men.

Get home, love. Get your slippers on. Make that big lad next to you do a bit of fetching and carrying.

In fact, you’ve a veritable army of flunkies about the place.

Tea, chocolate biscuits and joggy bottoms, that’s my advice.