This man is pleading people to stop ‘having sex’ with his hedge

This man is pleading people to stop ‘having sex’ with his hedge
Keith Tyssen's 'privet lady'

A retired Sheffield art teacher has pleaded with drunken louts pretending to have sex with his hedge.

Pensioner Keith Tyssen has been carefully trimming the hedge outside his Georgian terraced-home into the shape of a tastefully nude lady since 2005.

However the 84-year-old say has been continually awakened in the early hours of the morning by “lowlifes” trying to straddle his bush which he had named “Gloria”.

Tyssen said he has to make regular repairs to the hedge and is now considering putting up a sign to address the issue.

‘Offensive, annoying and time consuming’

“You get drunks publicly undressed and having fun with her in the middle of the night,” said the three-dimensional metal designer from Sheffield.

“I’ve been awakened many times – mainly by men and sometimes also by women messing about with her and making a lot of hysterical noises.

“About three weeks ago I looked out of the window about 4:30 in the morning and there was a man acting like he was shagging her.

“It’s offensive and appalling and is damaging her figure – privets don’t respond well to being manipulated like that.

“It’s changing the shape of her legs and thighs and is annoying because I spend a lot of time trying to keep her in good order.

Former art teacher Keith Tyssen based his privet lady on a local sex worker he knew in his youth
Former art teacher Keith Tyssen based his privet lady on a real person

“I don’t particularly want to spend any more time doing it.”

The real Gloria

Former art teacher Tyssen came up with the idea for Gloria – who he named after a local sex worker – while teaching at the city’s former College of Arts and Crafts.

Tyssen admitted he was not “deeply acquainted with the real Gloria”, who he also named personally.

“I started by doing a figure of a monster which was headbutting a lamp post at the end of my garden and then it developed into this monster defending a maiden,” he said.

“She developed slowly over two-three years – it was quite fun really.

“The lady came out of my love for visual invention – it’s just a creative thing I enjoy messing about with.”

Pearls to boost morale

The artist decided to gift Gloria with some plastic mock-pearl beads to give her a spruce up after her recent ordeals.

He said: “There were two incidents in one week and I thought she looked a bit messed about, so I put the beads on to give her a morale boost.

“I’ll always try and keep her going.”

Tyssen, who helped to design Sheffield Train Station’s impressive Cutting Edge sculpture, has not reported the incidents to police for fear of reprisals.

This article originally appeared on our sister site, The Star