Arise Sir David Beckham, for honourable services to queueing - Vladimir McTavish

Simon's dream client is David Beckham

Sir Andy Murray won two Wimbledon titles and was World number one; Sir Chris Hoy won multiple Olympic golds. Sir Bradley Wiggins... OK, probably better not open that particular can of worms.

All that Beckham has done to earn his ennoblement was that, unlike Holly Willoughby, he queued for 17 hours to see the late Queen lying in state, They’re surely not handing out gongs for standing in queues now, so I can only guess he was knighted for not being Phillip Schofield.

Hot on the heels of this bizarre announcement came more inexplicable news. I discovered that his son Brooklyn Beckham has written a book. What’s in it is anyone’s guess. Brooklyn himself obviously won’t have a clue as it’s highly unlikely he had any more input other than a Zoom call to some ghost writer who made the rest of it up.

Brooklyn’s mother is, of course, former Spice Girl, Victoria Beckham. Who has allegedly written two books. I don’t know if she’s read either of them. Whether you liked this particular girl group or not, it was impossible to ignore them. Everyone had a favourite Spice Girl.

For some it was Mel B or Scary Spice because of her in-your-face attitude, while others preferred Gerri Halliwell or Ginger Spice because she seemed a bit of a laugh. Other people would say Emma Bunton, otherwise known as Baby Spice was their favourite. This was usually for somewhat dubious reasons.

I personally liked Mel C, aka Sporty Spice, because she was the only one who could actually sing. Posh Spice was nobody’s favourite, mainly because she never actually appeared to do anything. She seemed to be there solely to make up the numbers.

Which is pretty much what her husband did for Manchester United and England. He was a uniquely limited player. Anyway, he has now been knighted, for his services to Heat magazine.

The more pictures of him that appear in the pages of Closer and Hello, the less column inches are devoted to Harry and Meghan. I’m guessing that will have pleased the King on someone else’s birthday.