Disastrous Tory campaign fair cheered up a dreich Scottish summer - Susan Morrison

The Labour Party’s 1983 election campaign, led by Michael Foot, above, saw their worst performance since 1918

In dizzying succession we had a couple of referendums, then votes for Westminster and Holyrood, and finally local elections. You can see why people started to think we’d be better replacing the booths with revolving doors.

The last Scottish election was good. Covid stalked the land, so they gave us each a wee pencil, like a little thank you gift. It was like being a kid again going to the dentist. They used to give us lollipops for being brave when we were getting our fillings done. They said it was a reward. I now suspect it was a way of keeping their market buoyant.

It has been a strange old election campaign, not least because of the Tories utterly inept and downright bonkers election strategy. It’s possibly the worst campaign in living memory and I’m old enough to remember the general election of 1983. Michael Foot was the leader of a Labour party that was, yet again, gleefully splitting all over the shop and matters were not helped when they launched the campaign with a manifesto that was described as politically the “longest suicide note in history”. It was a blockbuster, big enough to create a 10-part series for Netflix.

Secondly, the Labour party were facing the Iron Lady herself, who had just booted Argentina off the Falkland Islands and given General Galtieri his marching orders. It’s safe to say the echoing firepower of the Royal Navy, the RAF and 2 Para helped propel Thatcher back into Number 10.

The Tory election machine was formidable in those days, especially in England, as poor old Neil Kinnock would discover in 1987. Even John Major put up a good fight when he faced Blair, and they could still be scary in opposition. They had an eerie military precision about them. What on earth has happened to them? Is this some huge practical joke? Are we entitled to ask “Who are you and what have you done with the body of the Tory Party?”

Don’t get me wrong. This disaster of a campaign fair cheered up a dreich Scottish summer for me. This is a party that promised a brighter day for Britain, but couldn’t source an umbrella to keep the PM dry. They should have given Michelle Mone a call. Bet she could have shipped out hundreds for a reasonable big buck fee. Mind you, when they arrived you’d find out they were those wee paper cocktail brollies.

Things just got worse. The D-Day landing commemorations were practically designed to boost the flagging hopes of a Conservative leader. Flags, flypasts and a lot of Winston Churchill. Rishi cuts and leaves, suddenly remembering an interview he set up and went home, an opportunity denied to the brave lads who actually landed on those beaches in 1944.

The Conservatives claim the polls could be wrong and there are “shy Tory voters”. Yes, looking at this campaign, I think I’d be coy about admitting I backed them, too. At the time of writing, I don’t know who’ll be waving on the steps of Downing Street on July 5, but, like a fair few Tory ex-MPs, I’m willing to bet good money that it won’t be Mr Sunak.