Rishi’s throwing the election while Ed throws himself in the lake - Vladimir McTavish

Liberal Democrats Leader Ed Davey intentionally falls off a paddleboard on Lake Windermere (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

Or perhaps he’s coming under pressure from his own family to throw in the towel. The odds may be very short on a Labour victory, but even if his wife were to bet a fraction of her vast personal fortune on Starmer as next PM, it would leave her with a tidy nest egg to tide them over while Rishi looks for work.

After the opening announcement is a biblical downpour, he then revealed his next big idea is to bring back National Service for 18-year-olds. Alongside compulsory voter ID and his pledge to scrap university courses, this appears to be yet another attempt to put young people off voting Conservative. Or from voting full stop.

The PM claims conscription “will increase security”. Really? Is that who you want defending the country? A bunch of reluctant teenagers? If it’s an attempt to drive down the number of street shootings amongst the country’s youth, teaching them how to use a gun properly could well misfire very badly.

Sadly Michael Gove has announced that he is standing down as an MP, which seems typically selfish. While 99 per cent of the country will be glad to see the back of him, I and many others were looking forward to seeing his smug demeanour disappear at around about 3am when the electorate turfed him out.

Anyone old enough to remember 1997 would have been looking forward to reliving the “Portillo Moment” when the Tory minister of that name lost his seat.

Opinion polls show that Labour are well ahead of the Tories. However, I have always been sceptical about these statistics. In most elections, the Conservatives usually end up doing better than the polls predicted. There’s a very good reason, namely that the public lie to opinion polls. Who would ever admit to voting Tory?

The Lib Dems know they have no chance, so have resorted to the tactic of Ed Davey making a tit of himself. His latest prank was falling off a paddle board in the Lake District. He says he jumped off intentionally to highlight his party’s policy on getting tough about water pollution. That’s even more stupid than falling off. I’d hate to see what he does to draw our attention to dogs fouling the pavement.

Only another five weeks of this pantomime to go. If this was football, there would still be 75 minutes left, so all to play for regardless of the score. At the moment the Tories look like a team that are 3-0 down after 15 minutes through two own goals and a stupidly-conceded penalty. Some of their players have even decided to take an early bath.

Government minister Steve Baker has decided to go off on holiday rather than campaign. Instead of endless factory visits and doorstepping reluctant voters, he’s going to be lying on a beach somewhere. He’d better watch out. He could get hit by some idiot throwing themselves off a paddle board.