A big fat wedding can lead to a short savage divorce. Here's what to spend your money on to find out if your love will last – Susan Morrison

Back in 2019, I accidentally fell into a giant Wedding Fayre in Glasgow.
Fancy wedding cakes can be pricey (Picture: John Stillwell/WPA pool/Getty Images)Fancy wedding cakes can be pricey (Picture: John Stillwell/WPA pool/Getty Images)
Fancy wedding cakes can be pricey (Picture: John Stillwell/WPA pool/Getty Images)

Can’t remember why. Don’t think it was voluntary. Anything called ‘Fayre’ usually makes me mildly violent.

It was a day of discovery. The main one being that modern weddings can cost almost as much as getting a naughty prince off the hook. ‘Affordable’ is not a selling point in the world of weddings.

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There was an aisle of expensive “tanning solutions”. Well, it was Glasgow. You could get sprayed, slathered or stuck in a booth.

There was food and prosecco. My downfall. They insisted I try some. All of them. Along a long, long aisle. I started off well at the first stand, with comments about cheeky freshness and bright aftertaste, but it all got a bit hazy by the 11th or 12th.

And then there were the frocks. Not a fan of wedding frocks, as a rule. Can’t wear one. I’d look like a tank in a tutu, and anyway, the price tag is not my size. Who needs a single-use dress for the sort of money that could put a small car on the road?

The average cost of a wedding is now just over £32,000. Admittedly, that was before Covid turned up like an angry ex and kicked over the three-tier cake (average price: £300), which may have had unexpected benefits.

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I overheard a young woman saying she finally did have her wedding, but much smaller. This meant they didn’t have to invite “Uncle James and that slapper he’s knocking about with”.

The mega wedding will return, like Godzilla endlessly re-emerging from the sea. You’d imagine that an outfit called The Marriage Foundation would be thrilled by this, but no. They’ve done research that says many a big fat wedding leads to a short savage divorce.

It’s to be expected, really. The massive wedding is an enormous project. Even with the help of a pricey wedding planner, few brides escape the pressure of being combined centrepiece and project manager on what people call the happiest day of your life, which rather suggests it's all downhill after that.

And once you're back to auld claes and porridge, how do you fill your days? In fact, I’ve often suspected that some couples have a wedding just to have something to talk about.

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Sure, it might be fun to run about dressed like a princess and marry a handsome prince, but it didn’t work out well for Diana, Megan Markle or Sarah Ferguson, so it's maybe not that hot a proposition.

Big weddings are a big industry, and respect to those who make their livings out of the fancy cakes, frocks and flowers, but if you really want to know if this is your partner for life, then I suggest you use your £30k to go on a backpacking round-the-world trip, post-Covid.

Believe me, if you can travel together and come back together, heck, if you haven’t tried to kill each other more than twice, you’re set.

If you're wondering, when the Yorkshire husband and I married, I hired my dress. My bridesmaid made our cake. We walked along Great Junction Street to say our vows at Leith Registry Office, had a pub lunch and party later. Thirty-seven years ago. Still together. Till death us do part.

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